One Year Later...

December 2, 2013

So here I am, one year later from the day I last saw my son.  It has been a difficult year.  Some days have been harder than others but there have also been days of laughter and joy.  Still miss my son, I don't think that will end until I hold him again.

Along this journey I have learned that the loss of a child and the grief that comes with that comes in waves.  There have been days or occasions where out of nowhere the emotions have been so raw and my heart has been crushed all over again.  BUT there have also been days when I have remembered Israel and the thought of him being in a better place than those of us still here, brings me joy.

I have also learned that God's love and comfort is really like no other. There have been moments where my mind and my heart have been so conflicted, and yet God (or as I like to refer to him) "Daddy" has loved me unconditionally. I remember asking Him one year ago, not "Why" but "How" I was suppose to go on. His answes was simple, "With Me." The truth is that this journey has been everything but simple.

I have learned that there is no 10 or 12 step process for healing, no "take two of these and you will feel better in the morning" medication. There isn't a one size fits all mold for feeling better.  Rather each person will deal with grief in his/her own way. It is a process that cannot be rushed. It is a hurt that you simply can't "get over it." It is a journey of aches and pains deep in the heart that cannot be described nor mended with words. It is a soul searching journey, at times even a battle within ones own mind.  But it is also a journey of resiliency, strength and tenacity. 

For me, I have been truly blessed.  I have had the support of my husband and my children who have listened, who have held me, who have cried with me, who have laughed with me, and who have prayed for me.  I have had the support of my best friend who has continously encouraged me and sent me monthly messages.  I have had the support of  other family members and close friends who have allowed me the time to grieve but have also given me the time to remember the life of my son.  Most importantly I have had "Daddy", to comfort me, to help me, and to restore me a little more each day.

So for those of you that are wondering how I am doing today, I am doing better than I expected.  Does it still hurt? Ofcourse.  Do I still miss my little boy?  Terribly.  Does it get easier?  Yes, but a part of you is never the same  How have I done it?  By the Grace of God

But as Pastor Larry said this weekend, there is a bigger picture to look at.  I know I WILL see my son again, it is just a matter of time (and no, I'm not in a rush to get there). For now I will keep moving forward on the journey He set me on. There have been lots of hurts and loses along this life, but there have also been wins.

So today while it is difficult,  I choose to celebrate the life of my son, Israel.  I choose to think of him dancing and rejoicing before the presense of our Creator.  I choose to remain grounded in Him.  I choose to give Him all of me, over and over again.

                                     
See you later my little Prince, Momma loves you and misses you :) Lots of hugs and kisses.


(For those of you who have followed my blog thank you! I pray that this has helped you or spoken to you.  No, this is NOT my last entry just wanted to do this post as a side bar as I am living it, not remembering it).

One last time

December 2, 2012 (Late morning-early afternoon)
Later that morning after waking up and having a small bite.  The doctor came to see me and checked on me, when she was done she told me I would be released before noon.  I was placed under strict bedrest for a week, until my follow up appointment.  She prescribed several medecines, including one to help me sleep and gave me paperwork to give to my employer.  I was down to about 30-45 minutes left where I could physically touch my beloved child. I held him, retraced his little body with my finger, and prayed while I held him. I tried memorizing everything about him.  Lastly, I got dressed and my husband packed the few items we had with us.  The last minutes at tha hospital I spent them sitting at the edge of the bed watching my husband hold our baby one last time. The nurse, walked in and informed us it was time to go.  She would get a wheel chair for me and then take the baby.

My husband placed the baby in my hands one last time. I didn't want to part with him, and I certainly had no idea "how" I was suppose to walk away or leave my child behind. Knowing, I would walk out of the hospital empty handed was heart wrenching. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. As I saw the door opening once again, tears welled up in my eyes, I knew the time had come.  I saw the nurse enter the room and walk over towards me, I thought to myself, I can't say goodbye, it doesn't feel right, so instead I whispered  "I love you baby boy, I will miss you until the day I die" and then I managed to hand him over to the nurse. She walked out of the room with him and as she left I cried and told my husband I wanted his yellow cloth. (What I really wanted to do was to run after her, but I knew I couldn't). When my nurse walked back in, my husband explained that I really wanted the cloth and asked if  I could have it, she said "ofcourse" went back and got it for me.

So there it was, as I was being rolled out of the room in my wheelchair, there were no smiles or words of celebration from the hospital staff, there was no diaper bag to carry, nor no car seat to check.  There was no baby in my arms to take home, there was only tears, pain and a tiny yellow hand towel that had served as his blanket.  I looked at the hand towel and traced the stains that were evidence of where my son once laid. I folded it and tenderly carried in my hand. With my heart in my throat I uttered "we can go."

As we exited my room and was taken down the hallway I saw two people entering the labor and delivery section with full smiles and excitement in their eyes, surely there was a baby for them to see.  Out in the waiting area,  I quickly observed through the glass window, the people that sat and waited.  As the doors opened for us to go through, they looked up with anticipation, perhaps awating news of their loved ones.  As for me, I simply looked down, not being able to bear their looks.  Surely they noticed we did not carry a baby.  Surely they noticed my eyes swollen and tired from the night's event.  It was enough to cause me, to want to jump out of the chair and run. 

Downstairs my husband brought the car around and helped me get into the car.  As we drove off, and left the hospital I cried and cried.  I noticed my husband was also crying.  There were no words needed to explain what we were both feeling.  It was the worst car ride ever.  One that we knew was simply too painful to even try and speak of.  The silence left us with nothing less than the void we felt and the heartache that had overtaken us.


My husband and I have been through hell and back.  But I am pretty sure neither one of us imagined we would ever have to go through something like this.  My husband was a rock the whole time.  I saw a side of stregth in him I never knew he had.  He knew and recognized I was barely functional physically, emotionally or mentally and he took care of everything.  

We recently stopped at that same hospital to take our oldest daughter for an leg injury she caused to herself and we both had to take a moment to catch our breath.  Walking out of the hospital empty handed was extremely difficult for both of us. My heart goes out to every woman that has lost a child in one way or the other.  I pray that God will give you peace and strength and I pray that day by day you find yourself a little better a little stronger.  I pray that you find hope and rest in Him.  It's a journey lived day by day, one day at a time.

Exhaustion

December 2, 2012 (early Morning)

For a brief second when I regained concious, I thought to my self  "Am I alive?" "Where am I?" I faintly heard a beeping sound, and then i opened my eyes.  I saw the heart monitor, oxygen mask and my nurse, almost all at once.  She asked me how I was feeling.  I tried speaking and then realized my throat was sore (I suppose from the intubator).  After a couple times of attempting to talk I just nodded that I was ok.  The reality of why I was there came rushing over me again, but I was doing  was as best as I could under the cirmumstances. 

My nurse continued on taking my vitals; blood pressure, temperature, etc.  Once she was done she asked me "are you ok? (Ofcourse, not how could I be). Do you need anything?" and I whispered to her that I wanted to see my husband.  After a couple of minutes she walked out of the room and went to get him.

As my husband entered the room I could see the relief and love in his eyes.  He seemed as if the weight of theworld had just been lifted from his shoulders.  He bent down and layed his head on my lap.  I gestured with my hand for him to come closer to me and when he, I whispered to him "I'm not going anywhere buddy, you are stuck with me."  He grinned with eyes full of tears and held my hand. "Good" he said, over and over.  "I couldn't do this without you." and then I drifted off to sleep again as he reassured me that he would take care of me.

After about 20-30 minutes. I was taken back to my room, where immediately I asked for my baby again.  I still wanted to be near him as much as possible.  Shortly after, one of my nurses came in and took several picture of the the three of us (the baby, my husband and I).  During the course of the night and morning we signed alot of paperwork, but the last pieces we signed were to have our baby released to funeral home (which we had no idea who that would be yet).

We were also asked if we wanted the hospital to run genetic testing to see if they could determine what went wrong.  We knew it was beyond our understanding but we still were looking for a "reason."   Part of me thought, if he was sick then this will give me more peace.  My husband asked if the sex could be confirmed because we were initially told it was a girl then later a it was a boy. (During this time the doctors were guessing it was a boy, but were not certain). It would take a couple days to confirm the sex, but up tp10 days to get the genetic testing results.   After all this was completed  I managed to stay up a little longer with our baby before finally giving in to the exhaustion.

It had been quite the unexpected day, we went from starting that morning on such a happy and excited note and it had come down to all of this. Had someone told me I would live through this and not lose my mind or my faith in the midst, i would have called them crazy. Don't get me wrong I was a mess, I was broken, I was hurting, I was depressed, I was helpless, vulnerable, etc etc. But somehow someway God was leading me on. No it wasn't easy, but I had made it through the day. Not by my strength but by His.  There was alot I could not grasp nor understand (frankly I still don't) but I understood this much.  I was not alone.  I was exhausted and depleated but His Grace was indeed sufficient and His peace that just kept surrounding us was truly supernatural.

 

Glimpse

December 2, 2012 (No idea of the Approx time)

Just minutes after my doctor left the room and I had my major breakdown, my husband walked back over to the table where the bassinet and baby were placed.  As I watched my husband lean forward to take a look at our baby again, I suddenly felt my heart skip a beat, then another, then another.  Within seconds it started to become increasingly difficult to breathe and then nauseau came over me all over again.  I called my husband and said to him "I need the bucket" but as he made his way back to me he noticed and sensed there was something different. 

I was now holding on to my chest (same side as my heart) and I told him "I can't breathe."  I could hear myself trying to breathe and I could literally feel every beat of my heart pulsating throughout my entire body.  I began to feel as if I was "fading away" somewhere.  I was still unable to breathe, but instead of freaking out or gasping desperately for air I simply just felt an overwhelming peace.  I attempted to speak, but could not.  I attempted to sit up, but was unable to muster the energy. 

Things around me became blury, it was as if I was looking through a tube where only the center of my vision was clear but eveything else was distorted/blurred.  I could see my husband start rushing over to my bed all while calling out my name, louder and louder.  I could see myself lying there covered in blankets, my body slumping in further into the bed.  I could see the fear in my husband's eyes as he ran around my bed and then dash out into the hallway screaming out for help.  I could see the flood of doctors and nurses rush in to my room and hear them saying that my heart rate and blood pressure were both dropping and continuing to drop.  I could hear all the yelling, comotion, orders, etc but it was all in a sort of slow motion, an out of body experience.

I saw as my husbad paced back and forth as the doctors also began to call out my name.  I could see all the chaos around me, yet I wanted nothing more than to keep going and drifting into that peaceful place.  My husband at that moment came closer to me  (his eyes filled with so much anguish) and started speaking to me "Glo, stay here.... don't leave....Glo..... Glo....- Where is Matthew?, It's time to feed him, right?" At the mention of my son Matthew, something clicked inside and caused for me to refocus and no longer want to sink into "that" feeling, I almost felt as if I had stopped drifting off and then just lingered there.  The doctors suddenly put something over my nose to smell and caused me to sort of re-awaken, long enought to fully focus for a few seconds.

Everything was happening so fast, I began to feel the same feelings all over again, the doctors were wheeling me out of the room.  I was being taken to another room.  I wasn't sure what was happening but I knew they needed to "work on me." Doctors and nurses continued to call out my heart rate and others vital stats to each other, none of which made any sense to me.

I saw as the doctors scurry around in the room, I heard one of them call out that they were ready to intubate me.  Another was ready with anesthesia and yet another was informing me that they were going to surgically remove the placenta.  I felt when my head was lifted upright and felt the tube in my mouth inserted as they "intubated" me.  The anesthesiologist looked at me and said "you're going to be ok, I am putting you to sleep now."  I saw as he put the medication into my IV and my last thoughts were.."God, I don't know how, I don't know when..... but I will, count it all joy. I am yours God, my life is in your hands."

At that moment I had no idea what was happening or even if I would live or if I would die.  But,  I recognized fully and completely that at that moment I only relied  and trusted God.  I was ok with whatever His will for my life was.  I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset , nor in pain.  All I felt was peace.  It is the kind of peace that is described in the bible "the peace that surpasses all understanding." I hadn't done anything to earn it.  I hadn't said or acted in a specific way to achieve it, God simply gifted it to me.  Perhaps it was a glimpse for what is to come, perhaps it was to show me that Israel lives in complete peace, perhaps it was to get me to underststand all of this, or perhaps it was simply to give me strength and remind me of His love.  A glimpse of hope, a glimpse of rest, a glimpse of no more suffering, a glimpse of Him ......all in one glimpse even under the storm. 

 

Defeated?

Dec 2, 2012 2:00-3:30 A.M

After a few minutes the doctor asked me to push again.  Still no luck with the placenta.  They had been trying for a few minutes to no avail. The doctor was going to attempt to pull it down herself.  (YES, THIS SECTION CONTAINS SOME GRAPHIC CONTENT).  Several times she tried with her hand, each with a few minutes of waiting in between.  The bleeding continued.  Over and over they had to change the padding on my bed.  Pastor Yeze left around this time, but told us that if we needed her to come back we could just call her again. 

I held our son in between moments.  Our nurse brought in a tiny little white bassinet (possibly made for a doll) where we placed him in.  When we placed him in the bassinet,  he seemed to disappear in it.  He was still wrapped in his little yellow blanket (which was a smaill hand towel) I imagined he was going to be bigger, but he was so so small.   He was next to me for most of the time, but was removed from my bedside each time the doctor or the nurses attempted to pull down the placenta. At some point they layed down a bag of ice underneath the cloth mattress of his bassinet. He still looked beautiful to me, despite that he had slowly changed from a pink color to a purpleish/blueish hue. Through my eyes he was nothing more than magnificent.

With each attempt things just became more and more painful and more and more physically traumatizing.  After almost an hour the Doctor then decided to try pulling the placenta with forceps.  First attempt, no luck.  My mind was all over the place, I kept crying out to God, "How much more Lord, How much more?"

The doctor tried once again with the forceps and I could hear myself screaming out in pain.  My husband held on to my left hannd.  But atlast, I has reached a state of TOTAL brokeness and I began to cry out, "no more, no more."  I looked at my husband and said, I can't do this anymore, no more, no more.  At the same instant my doctor seemed emotional as well and she shook her head and said to the nurses "That's enough, that's enought she has been through enough."  She took the forceps out, took her gloves off, threw them down and approached me.  My legs were then gently put down by the nurses, my pad changed yet again and blankets put over me.  I have been through several medical procedures (appendicitis, broken jaw, ear surgeries, 3 births), but this took the cake. Never once have I resisted doctors, never once had I felt I had reached my limit, UNTIL NOW...

She said to us, "we have to get the placenta out, you are bleeding alot and we have to stop it, we have no choice but to take you into surgery"  my husband and I agreed.  I was still shaking from their last attempt.  The doctor apologized and said they would go and prepare the surgical room.  She looked at me and said "I know you have gone through alot, so we want to take care of this as soon as possible, I am going to put in the order and I will be back in 30 minutes."

As she walked away, I found myself sobbing on my husbands chest.  I felt I had no more.  In that moment I was defeated, I had nothing left! My husband said to me "It's going to be ok, baby" but I wasn't sure it would be. 


There comes a time where each of us have felt defeated.  Where we have felt we were better off giving up.  I found myself in a state of total brokenness and complete helplessness.  Physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Within me there was no more to give no more take at that very moment.  I wanted to just fade away.  Stop feeling, stop hurting, stop wanting.  I wanted nothing more than just everything to stop.  Perhaps in all of this, I was asking my daddy to take me home.  Perhaps grief and death had gotten the best of me, but it was only for a moment...


But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2nd Corinthians 12:9

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Dec 2, 2012- Approximate 1:30-2:00 AM

The bleeding continued on, but thankfully the time came for me to push.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  I knew it was time.  Before I pushed, the tears welled up and ran down my face.  My husband thought I was in physical pain, the nurse said "we know it hurts hunny, just push once."   Yes she was right, it did hurt but it wasn't the physical pain that caused me to cry.  It was the emotional pain that tore at me, knowing this was the LAST  moment I would have my child knitted within me.  It was time to let go, after this push my child would no longer be "with" me. 

I felt when I delivered and immediately the nurse scooped him up and wrapped him in a small light yellow hand towel.  She cut the umbilical cord and tried putting a clip on, but realized the clip was too large so she did away with it. She then handed him over to my husband.  My husband then brough him close to me where I finally got to hold him.  He was no bigger than the palm of my hand, light as as a bird.  So tiny, so fragile yet so beautiful, yet so wonderful.  Every finger was visible.  His arms his legs, his knees, mouth, nose eyes, and tiny little ears, and his tiny little feet.  I was overwhelmed of how intricately God had formed him and how complexed we are all designed.  How amazing yet how fragile life is.  Immediately, I thought of the scripture Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I held him close to me for a few minutes caressed his hands and legs and his head. My finger tip carefully tracing his entire body.  Afterwards my husbad held him again.  I recall my husband speaking to him "mamma warmed you up"  "baby, we are going to miss you" 

The nurse asked me to push again so that I would push the placenta, but no luck.  We would wait a few minutes and try again. 

Pastor Yeze also held our little one.  We would get to spend the rest of the night with him.  I was exhausted but I wanted to stay awake as long as possible, because I knew I would never be able to get this time back. 

This is one of those moments that will forever be carved in my memory and in my heart.  As I recall the instant when I delivered and held him in my left palm it seems like yesterday that all this took place, yet it has been over 10 months. 

How raw and fresh the pain comes alive when we relive moments filled with despair, agony, and helplessness.  Yet, amidst the pain something happens: life continues.  You breathe, you sleep, you survive.  For me the grieving process continues, day by day.  There are good days and not so good days, but life continues.   Yes, there IS pain, yes there IS a loss, but there IS also a peace that comes from God and God alone that helps you in your deepest valleys and your roughtest storms.  By His Grace I have survived this, by His Grace I stand in faith, By His Grace I live.

Waiting

Dec 1, 2012 (Evening-quite honestly have no idea of the time-till early in the morning)
My nurse, whom I will refer to as "J" turned out to be the mother of a young man who used to visit our youth group.  I had met her months before, and here she was.  I knew that God was making sure I was aware that He was present.  every detail of the day thus far, was a reminder to me that he was close by.  Before 'J" even moved me to my bed she said to me "before we start or do anything, let us pray and just ask God to be here."  She sat at the edge of my bed, held both of my hands and prayed for me.  I recall she prayed for peace and stregth for the things to come (and boy would I need those).

After the prayer I was moved to my bed and she began the preparations to have my labor induced.  My doctor came in and explained the process, it was a familiar process for me as I had labor induced for both of my girls.  Afterwards, I believe it was "J" that started the meds through my IV, ( another fuzzy" moment). 

The waiting time was difficult, the doctors could only give me an estimate, it could be anywhere from 2-6 hours it all depended how my body would react to the medecine. The seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to hours.  I tried sleeping but could not, I closed my eyes and talked to God over and over.  My husband would continously check on me.  There were people from the hospital coming in to my room constatantly.

We had nurses, insurance people, councelors, and a deacon come in.  There was alot going on with each conversation, but my husband handled them all.

At some point during the wait, Pastor Larry also came to see visit us.  I could see the concern and hurt in his eyes.  He hugged my husband and I and then prayed with us.  He stayed for a while and just talked to us about alot of different things.

After Pastor Larry left, my sister, brother in law and niece came by.  She stayed with me for a long time.  Having her there, reminded me of my childhood days when mom had to work 2 jobs to support us and my sister Lilly was forced take on the motherly role.  There she was, talking and comforting me as she had so many other times. 

My mother at that time was still unaware of the full situation, she was only aware that I had gone to the hospital "because there were possible complications." My sister and I had decided it was best for her to break it to mother in person, instead of by phone.  Lilly would going to mother's house after her visit with me. 

It was pretty late at night when my sister left.  I knew she was keeping it together for my sake,  and I in turn for hers.  I could tell part of her wanted to stay with me, but part of her knew she had stuff to "take care of" She gave me a kiss on my forehead and told me she loved me and would be by the house the following day.  I responded "love you too, sis"

Hours continued to pass, I snoozed here and there but the contractions kept me awake. My husband called Pastor Yeze (or maybe she called him) as "the" time came nearer.  She is a prayer warrior, and I needed her prayers to give me strength, to help me through this.

When she arrived she shared a song with me "This too shall pass" by Yolanda Adams. (Still difficult for me to hear this without crying, but still hanging on to this)! After some time she began praying for me with my husband. I could feel something stirring inside. At some point while she was praying for me, I became nauseous and began vomitting over and over. They managed to close the prayer but the waiting continued...I began bleeding substantially, over and over but still had not delivered the baby. I drifted off to sleep once more...waiting and waiting some more.

Things I can remember of these hours in waiting was how bad I wanted to see my child.  I wanted to hold him/her.  I asked God not "why" but rather "how" I would get through all this.    His reponse was simple "with ME my child, that is how." My flesh fought to understand this,  How can I deliver yet not get to keep my child. How can I go home empty handed, How do I tell people, etc. etc. 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBBwHztD3cs

Cruel

Dec 1, 2012 (Early Evening) After the ultrasound the doctors came back and confirmed what I already knew.  The next question was, what did I want to do.  Did I want to stay in the hospital and have labor induced, or did I want to go home and let things just run their course.  I knew I wanted to see my child and there was no way I was going to go home, waiting to see when this would happen on its own.  I informed the doctors I wanted to stay and have them induce labor, I would wait as long as needed to see my baby.After what seem like an hour or two, I was finally admitted and told I would be transferred to my room.  I guess I never thought about where I would be taken next.  It was something that to this day leaves an unsettling feeling. 

As I was rolled out of my temporary room and being moved I began to recognize my surroundings.  I had walked this section of the hospital just months before.  We came up to the doors, and it took everything in me not to break down, as I was rolled in to the Labor and Delivery section of the Hospital.  Part of me wanted to scream, 'Why are you bringing me here! You are making a mistake, I should not be here."

For me it was cruel to be transferred to a section where mothers were occupying and awaiting for their "live" babies to arrive.  I was rolled past the room where Matthew was born, and taken just right down the hall.  This wasn't fair, it just wasn't right.  I think I almost lost it, then.  A Million things crossed my mind all at once,  not against God, but more like within myself and the reasoning behind all of  this, I began to second guess my decision.  So, I tried just focusing on "seeing" my baby. 

Medically wise I suppose I understand why I had to be placed in Labor and Delivery, but to me it just seemed like a cruel joke.  Yes I was giving birth, but not like I had for my other 3 children.  Not like I had just 8 months before, in this very same section with Matthew.  I looked around the room and as I saw the area where the baby was suppose to be placed after birth, the knot in my throat just felt like it would suffocate me.  Suddenly, I had an urge to get up and run, run as fast as I could and keep running.  Instead, I sunk in farther in my thoughts and in my bed.  I had to find my "secret place" where I knew I could gather the strength to go through what seemed like the impossible. God, My Daddy would get me through this, I just needed to let Him guide me. 

A thought crossed my mind in the midst of this.  How many mothers are going through this right now in this same hospital, in other hospitals, in their homes, in their workplace, in their car?  I knew, I was not the first nor the last in this hospital room for this same reason.  I continued crying out to God, to rescue me, to help me.  God had brought me this far, and I knew He would be with me all the way.  I was a living testimony, that God was supplying me with strength and peace so far beyond what I could ever have imagined in a situation like this. Though evertyhing had fallen apart, there was still so much to be thankful for, still so much to Praise him for.   It was time to see my baby, and I was thankful that I had this opportunity.

 

Baby Angel

December 1, 2012 (aftenoon(ish))- I stalled the Ultrasound technician as long as I could, but as I was quickly learning, things were out of my control.  One last time I saw the old familiar transducer and monitor.  One more time the slimy liquid was spread across my stomach.  Before the technician placed thetransducer down, she asked me "Do you want me to turn the screen away from you?   Some people prefer not to look." Immediately, I responded "No, I want to see everything"  She held my hand briefly and said she would "if at anytime it becomes too much you let me know, I will walk you through what I am doing and seeing."

As the image appeared on the screen it was very quiet in the room.  For a moment it became hard to breathe again, as I looked at the "stillness" of my baby.  After a momet she broke the silence.  She began to explain to me that when a baby dies in the womb after a while, the outer layer of protection begins to wither away.  As this begins to happen a sort of "halo" or "crown" develops around the baby.  As she said this to me she pointed at the screen and drew around the head with her finger. There it was, my baby had already gained his "halo." I believe I uttered "awe."

The technician then showed me where the heart, the lungs, the legs and arms resided.  As she did this she took measurements.  The more she showed me the more I knew I wanted and needed to hold my baby angel.  She explained that based on the measurements it appeared the baby had been gone for close to 3 weeks. All I kept thinking when I heard this was "how could I not know?"

My husbad did end up seeing part of the ultrasound (or most, from what I can recall).  My focus was to take in as much as I could at the moment, I knew this time was precious.  I took one long last look at my baby angel and imprinted it in my memory before she removed the transducer from my stomach.

Unfortunately, I did not think of asking for a picture of this. I now wish I had. 


Some people may wonder if it really did look like a halo? Sure it did, not in the way we see it in cartoons or movies, but there was a beautiful glow all around the head. It was quite remarkable, the way it became part of the silhouette. Others may argue that this is not a halo, and that what happens as a result of a medical reason, I am making it more than what it really is.  For me, it simply means that my Daddy (God) has taken care of every detail. He had reassured me that my baby was already in heaven and had already received his crown (halo). While it was painful to see the stillness in my womb, I also recognized that we had indeed gained our own personal baby angel.

Funny How the Mind Works

December 1, 2012 (late morning)- Immediately as we entered through the automatic doors of the hospital, I felt myself go into some sort of  "auto" state.  I knew that I wanted to see my baby.  I wanted to make sure the  doctors and my husband understood this.  My husband checked me in, while I waited close by and as soon as the receptionist learned the reason why we were there they took me in immediately.

Another nurse took my vitals, then asked me to explain why I thought "I had lost the baby."  After telling her about our experience in the morning, she explained the hospital would have to confirm. Therefore, the hospital would perform another ultrasound. While we waited several doctors came in to see me.  They were all very nice and expressed their concern.

Krystal kept asking me "mom, are you OK?" I would simply nod my head and tell her that I would be, and force a smile.  Then she would lean her head to mine or put her head into my lap, or simply hold my hand.  Erika, helped with Matthew and kept watching me and occasionally held my hand as well.  

Sometime during that time, my husband arranged for our kids to be picked up (I just recently got the details of how this happened). It's funny how some things are very clear and others are a haze.  What I recall of this, is very little but I know my husband was trying to figure out who to call and who could get there at ASAP.  I recall him saying to me "Just want you to know, I am here for you, OK  Don't worry, I am taking care of things. Whatever you need from me, I'm here." I just nodded and managed to say "OK" to him.   I was on Auto, I did not not how to function otherwise.

I am not really sure when exactly he called on my BFF, I do remember seeing her and her hugging me.  I remember the kids being there and then they were not there anymore.  My husband had stepped out for some time and I thought perhaps he had taken them somewhere, but now I know that when my BFF came to see me, she took the kids with her and dropped them off at my mother in laws.

Recently her and I had a conversation about this day, and she was able to clear some things up for me.  The following are pieces of our conversation over email:

*Question ...I know this is retarded, my mind is a little fuzzy with some stuff.  I'm pretty sure it was you.  Were you the one that picked up the kids at the hospital or did Miguel drop them off somewhere.

-Miguel called me when I was on my way to the meeting...I could tell something was wrong in his voice, and then he told what happened and if I could pick up the kids...and I remember my heart sinking..."of course, I'll be right there" YOU'RE MY FAM! 

I showed up at the hospital and kissed you on top of your head, hugged you, and said "I'm so sorry"...I didn't stay long tho... Picked up the kids, bought them wings from wing stop and dropped them off to your family's home...

*I remember seeing you...I didn't know what to say, I was in SHOCK, but then I was trying to figure out, how could I see you?  I recall Miguel stepping out to take the kids, but where?....It's amazing how some details are so CLEAR and VIVID and some stuff, like I know it happened but its not clear clear....I was just confused as to how this happened...I know they were rolling me to get the ultrasound done, but Miguel was not around, I kept asking them to wait....but they could only wait so long...Thank you for always being there!

-Yeah, you were there but not really there, and I honestly didn't know what to say...
You guys are my family...Glo you are my sister (not even "like" a sister but a sister)...your heartbreak is my heartbreak...OF COURSE I would be there for you and the family...when Miguel called me, I didn't think twice not even for a second, dropped what I was doing and ran out...

I wanted to stay in the hospital the whole time, but I knew you would have family come by and I also knew Pastor Y. was going to be with you...Miguel texted me thru out the day and night giving me updates...

*I wanted everyone and yet no one, I was in "auto-pilot" I could not think, let alone communicate.

-When I got to the hospital he was waiting for me in the front with a sock in his hand and tears rolling down his face...I gave him a big hug but I didn't want to break down on him.

I also recall that the Pastor's wife and another friend came by to see us.  I recall both of them hugging me and praying for me.  Unfortunately, I do not recall in what order all these things happened.  But I do remember them being there.  I recall my husband making call after call, informing our family and friends. I recall my sister calling me and telling me she would get to the hospital ASAP.  I remember receiving more TXT messages with prayers and scripture.  I recall time going by SLOWLY and painfully.  

At one point my husband stepped out (I believe he was helping my friend with the kids), the nurse and doctor came in and said they were ready for the ultrasound and they would be taking me in.  I asked them to wait a few minutes and give my husband a chance to come back.  I will admit that deep down inside, I was still hoping that somehow, someway, I would see my baby alive again.

I can say that what I experienced that day, was very hard and traumatic.  While I may not be able to remember all the details I do know that from the start God surrounded us with lots of people that supported us.  As people (family and friends) got the word they prayed for us. This was just the beginning of people coming to us and offering their help.  There is an expression that says "Words cannot explain," truly this is one of those times.  Our family had taken a big hit.  But we were not alone in this.  

I Am With You.

December 1, 2012 - After some time, the technician re-entered the room.  Once again she said "I am so, sorry." and then advised my husband to take me to the hospital immediately.  I thinks I was still partially in denial.  I could not fully grasp our child was gone.  I could see my stomach and things just did not make sense to me. I was in disbelief,  how could this happen? When, did this happen?

As I tried gaining my composure so we could leave, my husband opened the door.  The moment I took a step outside our room I felt completely vulnerable.  There were other women there already.  They were smiling and talking.  (Just as I had been just a few minutes ago).  I saw one woman look at me at I quickly put my head down.  I wanted to run.  I did not want those looks of pity.  It felt as if everyone was looking at our family.  Instead of us being full of joy we we full of pain.  There was a silence we were projecting that others did not have, it was the silence that something had come to an end.

I quickly got into the car and just wanted to hide.  As we began to drive towards the hospital, I sent a text to our Pastors.  Informing them that we would not be attending the meeting because we were headed to the hospital.  I don't recall if I text what we were told, but I do recall my Pastor called me.  She prayed with me while we were in the car.  When I hung up with her, I sent a text to my sister as well.

I leaned my head back, touched my stomach as I always did and prayed to God with all I had.  I recall calling out to God and asking him to revive my baby as he had with Lazarus.  I found myself saying let it be done for you Glory.  But as I prayed, I heard a small still voice telling me, He knew what I was going through and that He would be with me every step of the way.  I knew at that point that my prayer needed to change. So I began to cry out for strength.

I sat there in silence the rest of the way, listening...Almost afraid to move, almost afraid to breath, definitively afraid to live. I listened as my oldest daughter, called her teacher to explain she could not attend the play she was scheduled to be in that night.  I listened as my husband took deep breaths while he tried desperately to keep it together (for all of us), and still manage to drive.  I listened as Matthew shifted his legs back and forth on his orange/grey car seat that we had planned to hold on to for the new baby.  (Matthew was just a few days short of 8 months old), I listened as Krystal tried hard not to ask questions, I listened to the cars and traffic around us.  I listened as my husband d received a call that my purse was found at the church we attended the previous night and that they would be holding it for me.  I wanted time to stop. I wanted time to end. But no such luck.  Time just kept passing.

I received numerous texts:  One from my best friend.  Others from friends and family.  Many with prayers. But I could not reply back.  I had no words.  I was at a complete loss.

As we pulled up to the very hospital where I gave birth to Matthew my whole outlook of it changed.  The last time I had been here was when I saw this baby for the first time. I had arrived happy and had given picture of the baby, Yet, here I was, just a few weeks later, at the same hospital but unfortunately it was not for the same reason.  The very place that we had rushed to a few months ago to birth life, now felt overwhelmingly  morbid.

Again I found it difficult to breathe, and to walk  towards the entrance. I felt my legs heavy.  I shielded my stomach once again (from the cold).  I called out to God again, and again and said to him "God, I am afraid", and in that moment I felt my husbands embrace.

"God never gives us more than we can handle."  I've heard these words spoken often, but I will admit that at this moment it felt like it was too much (honestly there are days when it still feels this way). How could I handle this?  How could I explain to people what happened? What explanation could I give as to why? How could I move on?  

I now understand there are truly no words to describe such a deep loss.  No words to explain how in the midst of something so horrible you WILL still live.  Although at that moment we may wish it all came to a stop. It simply doesn't.  I was in my own storm, and though the tides were high and I was being tossed from left to right.  In the center of it all, there was strength I did not know existed.  A peace that surpassed all understanding.  A knowing that I was truly not alone. As He had promised me, there He was, He was with me.  He would hold me through my storm as long as it took.  

Heartbreak

December 1, 2012:  I get up right away at the sound of my alarm. I am super excited. Today is the day we will see our baby and find out if we are having a boy or a girl.  I go upstairs and wake the girls and tell them  to get ready.  I know they are upset, it is a Saturday morning and I am waking them up early.  They still have no idea where we are going today.  I then go into Matthew's room and check on him, he is sound asleep.  I decide I will get him up last, this will give me a little more time to prepare.  I get some clothes out and get ready for a quick shower.  It is then that I realize the spotting is happening again.  My heart sinks.  I pray over and over.  When I am done showering, I go and wake my husband up to tell him the news.  I explain that the spotting is "very little" but its there.  Since my ultrasound appointment is today we figure we just go there.  The appointment is in a little over 1 hour. (Keeping in mind that my regular doctors's appointment is scheduled for that following Monday (Dec 3rd), I calm myself down).

As we are driving to the ultrasound place I get a call.  The clinic is calling to confirm I am on my way.  I respond to them "yes, we will be there shortly".  The girls then ask "where are we going?" we, my husband and I, simply say "somewhere."  I guess the excitement of seeing the baby makes me forget about the light spotting, or perhaps I chose to push it out of my mind, or perhaps I truly convinced myself that everything was fine.  When we pull up to the place and the girls see the logo of the clinic they begin to clap and laugh and scream with excitement.  Both begin to say "OMG, we are going to find out what the baby is."  They literally  jump out of the car and rush in to the place ahead of us, they are full of smiles, giggles and laughter.

Once I enter the facility, I approach the front desk (my husband following close by and Matthew in his arms) to check in. I observe my youngest daughter, showing her sister some of the stuffed animals just a few feet away.  While I am still checking in she runs over to me and says "mom, are we going to get a stuffed animal with the baby's heartbeat, like Matthew?" I smile at her and say "we'll see."

The receptionist says "how many weeks are you, mam?"  I respond "17 weeks, yesterday."  She then asks "do you want any pictures or a DVD of the session?"  I tell her "yes to both."  After she is done checking me in, she tells me I can take a seat and informs me, I will be called in a couple of minutes.

I take a seat and look around at the new facility.  White chairs all across the room.  White tables containing portfolios of ultrasounds picture taken there.  Soft stuffed animals hanging from different places.  Images of new born babies on the walls.  It all looks so heavenly.  I look at Matthew while he is sitting there with my husband and he reached towards me, he smiles so wide that I can't help but smile in return.  I begin to play with him.  Krystal comes around and sits, next to me and leans into me and says.  "Mom, I am so excited!"  Then we all start talking about whether the baby is a girl or boy again,  and who will be wrong!  We are all talking when my name is called.  We all get up and follow the woman into the room.

The girls take a seat close to the huge plasma screen in the room, and my husband walks around with Matthew while I am being prepped. "Just a few more seconds" I think to myself as the technician begins squeezing the liquid onto my stomach.  I look to my left and see Krystal bounce up and down on the seat, Erika is smiling looking intently at the screen.  She sees me looking at her and she smiles sweetly at me.  My husband is pacing back and forth with Matthew in his arms, and then stops to position himself right in front of the screen. I watch the technician take the transducer and place it on my stomach. I quickly turn my head to look at the monitor connected to the transducer. It is then, that everything comes to a complete stop.

Am I seeing, what I think I am seeing? No, wait let me look again, maybe I am just not looking right?  I am finding it hard to breathe. I am unable to say anything.  I blink several times and keep praying. I am misreading all of this.   Wait, maybe I missed it, maybe I am wrong. Maybe...just maybe....the technician did not place the transducer right. Why don't I see my baby's heart beat?  Why is my baby so still?  Why isn't my husband seeing what I see. Please God, let it be there, I look again...nothing. There is no sign of my baby's heart beating.  My heart is breaking, shattering, piece by piece.

I see the technician move the transducer over and over again.  My husband comes over and I am thinking "He knows, he sees it too"  Then he say's "Is it a girl?"  He blocks my view from the monitor I am still trying, still hoping I am wrong.  I HAVE to be wrong!! Why am in not seeing the baby's heart pulsating, c'mon baby, c'mon... I close my eyes for a moment and I wonder, perhaps the baby is sleeping, but then why can't I see the heart.  And why is the baby just floating?  Why isn't my husband seeing what I see. Please God, no, no, this cannot be happening, I look again...still nothing. I say to husband, "Plaza, move"  he is still trying to figure out the sex of the baby.  Then the technician says, are you sure you are 17 weeks, honey?" I want to scream to her "Of course I am sure." She then says "when was the last time you heard the baby's heart beat?"   I think I respond, or maybe I just stood quiet (I truly don't remember).  I manage to say to my husband  "Get the girls out, get the girls out"  I feel like my whole world is caving in.  I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to punch, I want to run,   I can't do this, I can't, I can't.... The pain is too much, it's too unbearable.  I am beyond crushed.  I just want to curl up in a corner and die but I know that what I really want is just to have my baby back.

My husband walks away and tell the girls to step out. They are fighting him saying "but dad, we want to know what it is."  I can't seem to hold it together anymore. I start making a fist  with my right hand, not because I am angry but because this is I keep myself  from losing it.  My husband walks over towards us and he says to her, "is there something wrong?" the technician says "I am sorry sir, the baby is gone" - she has SAID it - I am partially numb, in shock.   I watch my husband react, he begins to cry and tries to still hold on to Matthew, the lady offers to take him from his arms, but he refuses and I watch him hold Matthew closer to him.  I am drowning in the pain. She keeps talking, I catch only a few things.  She says "seems like baby has been gone for a while" "You need to go to hospital" "I'm so sorry" "can I get you both water?", etc, etc...

My husband manages to compose himself and asks the technician "are you able tell us the sex of the baby?"  She tries over and over and finally says "I am not sure, if I had to guess I would say it was a girl".  I am still in shock, still have not shed a tear.  Still hoping and praying she is somehow wrong.  She has to be wrong.  But wait I saw the screen.  After a couple minutes, I get up and off from the bed, and ask my husband to let the girls in.  I want to be the one to tell them.  I walk towards the wall (where they were seated at before), and wait for them to be let in. I am still trying to wrap my mind around everything that is happening.  Is this really happening.  Oh, how I wish this was all a horrible nightmare.

My oldest daughter (who has always had a way of knowing when there is something wrong with me), enters the room, she sees me, makes eye contact with me and then quickly rushes over to me.  She hugs me and says "Are you OK mom?"  Krystal is right next to her and both are standing in front of me.  Krystal says, "is it a girl, mom" I gather myself together and hear myself utter in low voice (almost a whisper) "our baby is gone."  Instantly, I hear uncontrollable, unnatural shrieks escape my mouth.  I can no longer contain myself.  I break. I am sobbing and shaking.  I hear my girls crying with me, and that only makes it hurt more.  Each one of my daughter grabs a hold of me on either side, they hug me and cover me with there bodies, and are holding me up (if only they could stop this pain that has suddenly erupted upon me).  I don't know how long we cry, my husband and Matthew join us, we are all together.  Then I realize, we are NOT,  we are missing one and I begin sobbing once more.

As I relive this moment, the pain and anguish come flooding back.   It has been 4 months and 21 days, but the pain is still very raw.  I have endured many challenges and pain in my lifetime, but never a hurt so deep and so profound.  There are "bad days" and there are "good days"  but there  has never been a day where I haven't thought of my beautiful baby.  I focus on living life to the fullest.  I make it a point to appreciate those around me.  But there is an undeniable part of me that is missing.  It is by the Grace and Love of God that I have been able to sustain this pain.  I cling to His promises. I believe there WILL come a day where I will see my child.  For now I focus on taking one day a time, and making sure my days count. 

          
  

Ephesians 3:18

November 29, 2012:  Whole day is a blur to me now, the only thing I remember is that that night before going to bed I go to the bathroom.  I find that I am spotting.  Right away I begin to panic.  I quickly tell my husband and I know he sees my fear.  He tries to reassure me and tells me "everything is going to be OK."  My mind is racing, I am in NO pain except the headaches still.  So we agree that if in the morning I am still spotting I will go to the doctor.   I toss and turn all night.  I pray that our baby is OK.  I lay hands on my stomach as I have each night, and fall asleep praying for my baby.

November 30, 2012:  I wake up and dash to the bathroom to check if the bleeding has stopped.  YES!!! There is no sign of any spotting - none, zip, zilch, nada.  Thank God!!!!  My husband asks me right away when he hears me come out of the restroom and I tell him I am OK. I know we are both relieved.  I get dressed and ready to drive to my sister's house to pick up my nephew.  Today is the day my nephew will begin spray painting the artwork in the youth ministry room.  I am so excited, I have been envisioning this day for years.  I have a ton of neon color spray paint in my trunk and  think to myself I wonder if I could get in trouble for having this in my trunk and driving in to the city?"  Can't wait to get started. After picking up my nephew, I get a call from my husband that he wants me to pick him up too so I drive back to the house to get him.  We kiss our little munchkin (Matthew) on his chubby cheeks (he is almost 6 month old now) and head out to church.

We begin working immediately.  My husband begins to work on setting up the wall where the projector will be located and my nephew and I begin discussing concepts.  Once the concepts have been sketched up, my nephew begins to spray paint, immediately my husband tells me I should not stay in the room due to my condition. Keeping in mind what happened last night (spotting) I agree to stay clear.  The remainder of the day I go back and forth into the room to see and guide my nephew with the vision in mind.  After hours of working on one wall my nephew comes to me and says you mentioned you wanted me to write something on the wall?  I tell him yes, but I was thinking that would be in a different wall, but when I walk over to the room and see the work I understand why it fits there.  I give him Ephesians 3:18 "May you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love is."  I find myself reading and re-reading this over and over.  I tell myself there is no way I can begin to understand why God's love is so profound.  As we head out for the day, I read this one more time.

I head out to the city with my youngest daughter and nephew to drop him off.  The plan is to head out to the "Unity Service" right after.  As usual I take the I 90/94, as we are heading there I talk to my nephew about the blessings of God.  I tell him, how I will need to get a bigger car soon.  He tells me, if I decide to sell mine to let him know.  After dropping him off, I notice I am cutting it close to the start of Service, but I am relieved knowing I am already in the city and I don't have far to travel.  It is about 6:40 P.M as I head back to I 90/94.

As I head towards at the church, my daughter and I are talking in the car.  I see the Irving Park exit and plan on taking it, I get involved in our conversation and her questions, that I accidentally miss my exit.  I think to myself "no biggie, I'll just take the next exit." As I merge onto the Kostner exit lane I begin to apply the break, but my car doesn't it feels like it is slowing down. I repeatedly press the break, to no avail.  The car is not slowing down.  Up ahead I see a red light for me and traffic flowing.  I now slam my foot on the break, still no luck.  I do this several times, the car still keep going. I think to myself "this is something from a movie."  At one point I second guess myself and think maybe I am pressing the gas pedal instead of the break, so I press the "other" pedal but the car accelerates even more! So I go back to pressing the break pedal with all my might!

The car has naturally, slowed down a bit but I am still traveling at about 45-50 mph.  I tell my daughter "the car is not stopping, make sure you have your seat belt on and grab on tight",  and she yells back "I'm scared mom, what should I do" I say to her "Pray baby girl, pray."  As I get closer and closer to the traffic flowing through in front of me and the red light up ahead, I begin to say out loud over and over again "Clear the way God, clear the way."  At about 20 feet from impact into the flowing traffic my only instinct is to throw the car into Park.  I tell my daughter "Here we go" and I think "God, make a way."  I feel the car swerve and tires screech but we make it about 5 feet before hitting a white vehicle going across.  The car still seems to be revving on its own even though it is in Park.  I then turn off the car and wait for a couple minutes.  I am shaking from head to toe.  I check on my daughter and in a low voice she says "I'm ok mom".  I say 'Thank you God, Thank you"  a few times.

I turn the car back on (I am in the middle of the expressway exit) and the car quickly begins to rev up again. I tell my daughter I just gotta move it out of the way and get closer to where I can call your dad.  I end up having to throw the car back into Park 2 more times, but by the Grace of God, the car is out of the way and I call my husband.  I explain everything to him and he rushes over (he was already at the church where I was suppose to meet him).   While I wait for him, I get down by the car pedals and push on both the accelerator and the break (with both hands).  My daughter says "Mom, what are you doing?" I explain to her "I am just checking something" I take the carpet out and make sure there is nothing underneath the break to prevent me for going down when pressed, nothing...

My husband arrives and I explain to him how the car will rev up on its own when he turns it on, and that as soon as he puts in drive it will take off.  From a distance I see him, get in the car, turn it on,  and sure enough I hear the car rev up, then suddenly when he presses the accelerator the car goes back to normal.  The revving stops, the breaks work, the car is "fine."

We head towards the church where our youth group is waiting for us.  I praise God even more that evening for protecting my daughter, my baby and I in what could have been a hideous accident.  There is no explanation as to why this happened or how it suddenly stopped revving   My husband explains you just needed to press the gas pedal, but I know this is not true. I did all of that.  That did not work when I did it.

All through out the day I keep asking God to keep my baby safe.  Every time I use the bathroom I pray there is no bleeding (and there isn't-none for the entire day).  As the day progresses and I think about our day tomorrow I get excited all over again.  I think about how we were not planning to have another child, but I recognize that this was God's plan. I think about if its a girl, I will begin shopping right away, I've already seen a dress that I really want.  If it's a boy we will be OK for a while, since I have been holding on to ALL of Matthew's clothes.  I think about how all this started with me freaking out and where I am today.  

I am so grateful to God.   I come to understand that what it is to have your plans that we  push  and forget that God knows what is best for us.  I think about how it will be so much fun and will def be a challenge to have two small children, one teenager and a preteen.  I get excited and nervous at the thought.  At this point I don't even care if we are all sandwiched in our (what now seems to be getting smaller and smaller) home.  God will make a way, he always does.  I don't know where we will end up in ministry, but I tell myself it's ALL in God's hands.  We have always been taught to have our hands "open" in ministry and be ready to pass on the baton. 

Throughout the day I think of the scripture on the wall  "May you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love is." Eph 3:18 I think to myself God I know you love me, but I still believe I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of really understanding how great your love is.  I want to know more and more of this love God. 

That night I  make sure our stuff is ready to go, so we will be on time for our appointment.  Can't help but smile.  I fall asleep thanking God over and over for our safety.  For clearing the way, for stopping the car (not once but three times), for helping me keeping it together and not panicking.  God is good.  Yes, His love is so much wider, longer, higher and deeper than I could ever understand. 

What is Happening?

November 11, 2012 - My husband returned from New Jersey.  I could tell that the Lord had used him and rest of the men in a powerful way.  I saw pictures of them and hundreds of others, helping those that had gone through the storm. The body of Christ was alive in them.  I recall two things when he came back.  One Matthew was overly excited. He had just turned 7 months, how quickly time was flying.

The other thing I recall was that my husband looked at me and said "turn around, I want to see your stomach"  when I did he smiled and said "Yeah baby, we are having another boy."  I playfully argued back with him "Nope, it's a girl." He rubbed my stomach and then told Matthew.  "You are going to have a baby brother, I don't care what your momma says."

While watching TV, this evening  I felt a strong flutter.  "There you are"  I told my baby and rubbed my stomach. Shortly after Matthew woke up from his nap.  Thoughts of how we would handle both infants crossed my mind.  When I saw Matthew's face lite up with a smile I thought, it's going to be a joy to have two little ones running around.

November 12-25, 2012 (approximate dates):  In the next few days I began getting daily headaches.  As the days passed they seemed to worsened.  My phone App informed me that at 15-16 weeks expectant mothers can get headaches due to the increase of blood. Morning sickness was almost completely gone. I could eat whatever I wanted on most days and be okay, the only thing that was bugging me were these headaches and lack of energy.

My husband and I began rethinking names.  I had an urgency to find a name.  All the names we both came up with, one or the other disagreed on it.  The girls also mentioned a few, and we could not agree on any of them either. My husband then says have you thought about who the "Godparent's" will be.  "Oh, No!!" I responded.  "That in itself is going to be another long topic".

November 22, 2012- Thanksgiving day.  Had a great time with the family.  Everyone is talking about how big I am already.  My mother in law even asked me, "are you sure you only having one baby?".  There was ONE awkward moment for me, my nephew's girlfriend was there.  We were both suppose to be pregnant at the same time.  But now she wasn't and I was.  I felt bad for her, I tried staying out of her way so she would not be reminded.  I prayed for her and asked God to give her peace. I took one Tylenol to help with the headache and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening.

That night I briefly mentioned to my husband the look on K's face when I walked in.  I was very grateful at that moment to still have my baby.  I was thankful that I was blessed to be able to "carry" a child.

November 24, 2012 - I missed my appointment.  Ugh, can't believe I missed it.  Totally bummed out and disappointed.  God only knows when I will be able to reschedule my appointment for.  I told my husband I would call first thing on Monday to re-schedule.

November 25, 2012- After church someone (can't remember who till this day) says to me, "you look great".  "Awe, thanks" I respond.  They say to me again, "yeah, you REALLY look great, nothing like with Matthew." I respond, "yeah, I know, I feel totally different too, i don't even feel pregnant."

At then end of the week (according to my phone app) I will be 17 weeks!! My husband and I decide it's time to call First Peek.  We want to to find out once and for all, if we were having a a girl or boy.  My husband then mentions to me that he wants to do a photo shoot where we reveal the sex of the baby on Christmas cards for the family. We mention the idea to our sitter (someone will need to photograph us) and she loves it.I will be scheduling that appointment this week.

November 26, 2012- I called the doctor's office and rescheduled, next appointment is not available until   almost mid December. Ugh!

I then go online to schedule the appointment for First Peek.  I confirm with my husband for Sat, Dec 1st. Due to a core leader's meeting at church at 10:00 a.m. I schedule the appointment for 8:30 a.m. We decide we will not mention to the girls where we are going, we will just surprise them on Saturday morning (they got to go with us to with Matthew, and loved it, so we knew they would be thrilled again).

The urgency of finding a name was getting stronger and stronger, i figured it was because we would see the baby in 5 days again.  Had not felt another flutter, but I did not worry. I remembered I did not feel Krystal until much later.

November 27, 2012-While at lunch I surfed through the internet for baby names (again).  After some time Iran into the name KATERINA.  Fell in love with it.  Now if only my husband would like it.  That evening I presented the name to my husband and after him saying it out loud a few times.  He looked at me and said "OK" I like it, it's done. KATERINA....if it's a girl.  We tried agreeing in on boys name.  Again to no avail. I mentioned the name Mark, he was't crazy about it, but did not dismiss it either.  Good we are closer now.

Lying on my bed one night, I begin to wonder. "What is happening?"  I don't recall ever having these many headaches with my other pregnancies. I rub my stomach as usual. I lay my hands again on my stomach and hope that maybe tonight I will get to feel the baby move.  In just a few more days I will see you again. 

I thank God for his Grace and Mercy and as usual pray for my family, my friends, the youth and the lost.  I specifically find myself praying to God about this child as thoughts of the last ultrasound pop into my head. "No weapon formed against you will prosper." 

God you are in control of everything pertaining to us.  Help us raise our children in a way that it will be pleasing to you.  Guide us and direct us in the big and the small, in and out of our homes.   I pray for K and her situation and ask God to forgive all us for at one time or another destroying instead of building, resenting instead of forgiving, acting on our own instead of doing His will, doubting instead of trusting.  

Good News

November 6, 2012 -My husband came to me today and mentioned he wants to go to the East Coast with a group of men from the church to go and help victims of Hurricane Sandy.  Its nice to see how God uses the men in our church.  The group being gathered is set to leave Thursday or Friday.

(Through out the week. I watch my husband make calls, get donations and prepare for the trip).

November 7, 2012 - The men make a final decision and decide they will head out Thursday evening (after work). I go about my day as usual.  Late that evening my daughter Krystal brings out some of her very own sweaters and other clothing for the "children that needs them."  (Krystal, whom since the age of 4 has always said she someday hopes to go to Africa).  I give her a hug and take her sweaters and tell her, "this is awesome Krys." She helps me pack her clothes in a bag.  I am SO proud of her!!

November 8, 2012 - (2:52 PM) - I receive a call from the hospital, but I am unable to pick up the call, since I am in a work meeting.  As soon as leave work for the day, I listen to the message.  The message says. "Hi Gloria, this is Kelly the Genetic counselor at.______ just want to let you know your first trimester screen came back Negative, which is good. Risk is 1 in 1800 for Down Syndrome and 1 in 3500 for the other chromosome abnormalities.These risks are MUCH lower then your age related risks, so it's very reassuring . Just remember this is a screening test not a diagnostic test, we are going to forward to....blah blah... blah... blah....(In a matter of 31 seconds I had received the best new of the day).  Our baby was healthy!!!  Couldn't wait to tell my husband the news.

After work I head straight home, so I can help my husband pack for the trip.  At around 7:00 P.M, I drive him to the church to drop him off.  Before we get out of the car we have a heart-to-heart talk.  I ask him "Before you go, is there anything you want to tell me."  He tells me "No matter what happens, remember this is a good thing."  He says "I'm not saying anything bad will happen, I am just saying that if anything does happen don't be angry about me making this trip, and don't be angry with God." "No matter what happens, this is to bring Glory to God, If something does happen you move on, take care of my kids, you tell them I love them and that I was out there serving God." I pray for him, with all I might for God's protection over him and the rest of the men.  My husband than touches my stomach and says "man, I can't wait!!"  Shortly after that we get out of the car.

Pastor L.P. greets us and then tells us to grab some burritos from his office so we can eat.  After a few minutes of trying to get things organized I head to the office and start munching on half of a burrito, can't wait to eat anymore and neither does this baby.  After a few more minutes my husband, finds me near the office. I suddenly, remember at that moment the voice mail from earlier and take my phone out and point it towards him.   I tell my husband "I have something you need to listen to, before I go back home"  I play it for him.  As he listens and hears the message, a huge smile spreads across his face, I can see he is at another level of excitement now. Before I leave our Pastor gathers all the men and women and we pray together.

That night as I lay in bed praying, I thank God for His blessings.  Especially for the blessing received today (the results of the test).  I think back at how I got a very similar phone call , when I was expecting Matthew (and here was was now such a bundle of joy!) I think How Great is our God?, here I am at 39 and for the second time, the results of my test are awesome.  I think of my children and how each one has enriched and changed our lives.  I think of how each of us are called to enrich and change the lives of other.  I think about the miracle of life itself, existing and growing while on the other side of our very own country others were suffering.  

I think of things of the past and how God's Grace is much greater than those things left behind.  I think of past circumstances and trials and how God has always shown up, has always healed, has always rescued, has always forgiven.  Always been there, always will be.  I think about how ridiculous it had been of me to freak out about the new baby.  Thank you Lord, Thank you for always being you!     I fall asleep (like most nights now), holding on to my stomach. 

Strong Heart

November 1, 2012- In between Rage and my job, I finally get a chance to make my appointment for my First Trimester Screening tests.  November 5, could not get here fast enough.  I'll get to see my baby again,  in just 4 more days! I am relieved that the hospital was able to schedule me in this fast.

November 5, 2012 -Is finally here.  I head to the hospital at 10:00 A.M,  (my appointment is set for 10:30 A.M). but due to traffic I get there at approx 10:42.  I am worried they will not see me.  I rush in to check in at the front desk, and the woman at the front desk checks me in and hands me a clipboard with papers to complete.  Once I am done, and I turn in the papers I am told to wait in the waiting area.  While I am waiting, my boss calls me and we talk briefly.  After about another 5-7 minutes I am called in.

I walk in to the room assigned to me, then lay back on the bed, and the technician gets me ready.  After putting on her latex gloves on,  my stomach is squirted with that weird substance and I wait for her to put  the transducer down on my belly so I can see my baby. 

Once again, the image of my baby is displayed on the screen and again I begin to look for certain things that I have become familiar at looking for.  The head, the arms, the legs, the eyes, and the beautiful heartbeat.  Looking at the screen I think how each child the Lord has blessed me with is indeed a miracle.  The delicacy and intricacy of a child developing in a mother's womb is marvelous, truly a miracle within itself.

As I am looking at the screen the baby seems to cover his/her face as if to hide from me.  The technician says.  "Oh looks like we have a bashful baby here."  We both smile and continue to look.  The technician then begins to zoom in on different parts of the baby and begins to take measurements.  She then says to me.  Your doctor's chart says that you are due May 15, which means you should be 12 weeks and 3 days but the baby is measuring more like 13 weeks 1 day.  She says are you sure this is your correct due date?  I explain to her that the due date was calculated by an ultrasound to be on May 10.  But that for some reason my doctor had later called me and said my due date was the 15th, so I was a little puzzled. She says "yeah from the measurements I am getting I agree it seems to be more like May 10th."

While she continues to measure, I observe my baby.  I notice right away that this baby is not flipping around all over my womb the way Matthew did during this same exam a little over 1 year ago.  The baby is moving about but he/she just seems much more relaxed.   I think to myself that every baby is different, so no big deal why this baby is choosing not to stand on his/her head.  The technician then begins to zoom in on the head and says.  "Are there any family members with Spinal Bifida?"  I look at her and say "No."  She continues to take measurements of the head and the neck. She seems to spend a long time here, but maybe it just seems that way to me.  Then she repeats the same question a second time.  "So no family members with Spinal Bifida?" Once again I repeat "no."  Did she not hear my response the last time? I wonder.

Then she seems to finally be done measuring whatever it is she was focusing on.  And continues on with the rest of the body.  She then shows me each part.  The hands, the legs, the the fingers, and then she turns on the heart monitor and I get to hear the heart again.  I close my eyes for a few seconds and just take in the sound I am hearing once again.  When i open my eyes I see her record the heartbeat (routine).  She then turns to me and says "strong heart."  After this she then tells me she has been printing a few images for me take home for the baby's baby book.

She prints 4 pictures for me, but only hands me 3.  Then puts the third on top of the ultrasound machine.  I glance over to catch a glimpse of the printout she did not give me, I notice it is a head shot zoomed in.  I wonder why she is not giving me this picture.  She then picks up a chart and begins asking me different questions.  Basically going down a list of diseases.  Then once again she says "History of Spinal Bifida?" I then ask her.  "Are you seeing something on the ultrasound that is leading you to believe there may be something wrong with my baby?"  She responds. "Oh no, this is just standard I have to ask you."  But I can't seem to understand why she asks me the same question 3 times.

She sees me glancing at the 4th print-out and reaches for it and hands it to me.  She says "here you go, mom.  maybe you want this one too".  She then tells me she is going to have the doctor take at everything and she will be back.  I clearly do not remember this happening with Matthew.  I don't understand what is happening.  A part of me feels uneasy but the waiting is the killer, it seems to go on forever.

After a few minutes a doctor comes in and tell me she has looked at the ultrasound results and everything looks normal. I think she sees I am a bit concerned, so she tells me this is just standard.  She explains what the 1st Trimester screening tests are for, and she assures me the baby looks fine.  She then tells me to go downstairs for the 2nd part of my test (the blood withdrawal for the chromosome check). I look her directly in the eye and say, "but the baby is OK then?"  She says "Yes, baby is just fine" and smiles at me reassuringly.

I head downstairs to get my blood withdrawn. But, everything that transpired just a few minutes ago is replayed in my mind over and over.  For some reason I find that I am not scared.  I say to myself.  God is in control. The baby is fine.  It has to be a girl, no way a boy is that calm.

That night I share with my husband and kids the new pictures. We all look and marvel at the beauty.  My husband immediately takes ownership of three of them, which he puts in a frame (to take to work), and leaves me with one.  I place the last ultrasound picture on our refrigerator, it is the one taken after he/she hid her face.  (I chose the refrigerator so we can see the image of the baby every day).  I tell my husband about the conversation with the ultrasound technician and I tell him, "I just didn't like, the fact that I was asked 3 times about Spinal Bifida".  He then says to me "When are you going to get the results?"  I tell him the doctor said it could take a few days.

Taken right after he/she hid her face
(this is the one that hung on our fridge)

This is the area where the technician kept focusing on

Kicking around 

My Favorite Pic of all

At night, I still cannot get that question out of my head.  I stare a million times at each picture (especially the one of the head shot).  I want to post the pictures on Facebook but for some reason I hold back.  I continue to pray for the people in the east coast who are still suffering from the aftermath of the storm.  I pray that God's presence will be SO evident there.  I pray for people's hearts to be willing to seek God during this time.  I fall asleep with my hands on my stomach praying over my baby.  I pray for a healthy child, I pray for God's will with his/her life, and I pray that God will grant me peace and me not worry about my pregnancy.  God answers and I fall asleep peacefully.