Funny How the Mind Works

December 1, 2012 (late morning)- Immediately as we entered through the automatic doors of the hospital, I felt myself go into some sort of  "auto" state.  I knew that I wanted to see my baby.  I wanted to make sure the  doctors and my husband understood this.  My husband checked me in, while I waited close by and as soon as the receptionist learned the reason why we were there they took me in immediately.

Another nurse took my vitals, then asked me to explain why I thought "I had lost the baby."  After telling her about our experience in the morning, she explained the hospital would have to confirm. Therefore, the hospital would perform another ultrasound. While we waited several doctors came in to see me.  They were all very nice and expressed their concern.

Krystal kept asking me "mom, are you OK?" I would simply nod my head and tell her that I would be, and force a smile.  Then she would lean her head to mine or put her head into my lap, or simply hold my hand.  Erika, helped with Matthew and kept watching me and occasionally held my hand as well.  

Sometime during that time, my husband arranged for our kids to be picked up (I just recently got the details of how this happened). It's funny how some things are very clear and others are a haze.  What I recall of this, is very little but I know my husband was trying to figure out who to call and who could get there at ASAP.  I recall him saying to me "Just want you to know, I am here for you, OK  Don't worry, I am taking care of things. Whatever you need from me, I'm here." I just nodded and managed to say "OK" to him.   I was on Auto, I did not not how to function otherwise.

I am not really sure when exactly he called on my BFF, I do remember seeing her and her hugging me.  I remember the kids being there and then they were not there anymore.  My husband had stepped out for some time and I thought perhaps he had taken them somewhere, but now I know that when my BFF came to see me, she took the kids with her and dropped them off at my mother in laws.

Recently her and I had a conversation about this day, and she was able to clear some things up for me.  The following are pieces of our conversation over email:

*Question ...I know this is retarded, my mind is a little fuzzy with some stuff.  I'm pretty sure it was you.  Were you the one that picked up the kids at the hospital or did Miguel drop them off somewhere.

-Miguel called me when I was on my way to the meeting...I could tell something was wrong in his voice, and then he told what happened and if I could pick up the kids...and I remember my heart sinking..."of course, I'll be right there" YOU'RE MY FAM! 

I showed up at the hospital and kissed you on top of your head, hugged you, and said "I'm so sorry"...I didn't stay long tho... Picked up the kids, bought them wings from wing stop and dropped them off to your family's home...

*I remember seeing you...I didn't know what to say, I was in SHOCK, but then I was trying to figure out, how could I see you?  I recall Miguel stepping out to take the kids, but where?....It's amazing how some details are so CLEAR and VIVID and some stuff, like I know it happened but its not clear clear....I was just confused as to how this happened...I know they were rolling me to get the ultrasound done, but Miguel was not around, I kept asking them to wait....but they could only wait so long...Thank you for always being there!

-Yeah, you were there but not really there, and I honestly didn't know what to say...
You guys are my family...Glo you are my sister (not even "like" a sister but a sister)...your heartbreak is my heartbreak...OF COURSE I would be there for you and the family...when Miguel called me, I didn't think twice not even for a second, dropped what I was doing and ran out...

I wanted to stay in the hospital the whole time, but I knew you would have family come by and I also knew Pastor Y. was going to be with you...Miguel texted me thru out the day and night giving me updates...

*I wanted everyone and yet no one, I was in "auto-pilot" I could not think, let alone communicate.

-When I got to the hospital he was waiting for me in the front with a sock in his hand and tears rolling down his face...I gave him a big hug but I didn't want to break down on him.

I also recall that the Pastor's wife and another friend came by to see us.  I recall both of them hugging me and praying for me.  Unfortunately, I do not recall in what order all these things happened.  But I do remember them being there.  I recall my husband making call after call, informing our family and friends. I recall my sister calling me and telling me she would get to the hospital ASAP.  I remember receiving more TXT messages with prayers and scripture.  I recall time going by SLOWLY and painfully.  

At one point my husband stepped out (I believe he was helping my friend with the kids), the nurse and doctor came in and said they were ready for the ultrasound and they would be taking me in.  I asked them to wait a few minutes and give my husband a chance to come back.  I will admit that deep down inside, I was still hoping that somehow, someway, I would see my baby alive again.

I can say that what I experienced that day, was very hard and traumatic.  While I may not be able to remember all the details I do know that from the start God surrounded us with lots of people that supported us.  As people (family and friends) got the word they prayed for us. This was just the beginning of people coming to us and offering their help.  There is an expression that says "Words cannot explain," truly this is one of those times.  Our family had taken a big hit.  But we were not alone in this.  

I Am With You.

December 1, 2012 - After some time, the technician re-entered the room.  Once again she said "I am so, sorry." and then advised my husband to take me to the hospital immediately.  I thinks I was still partially in denial.  I could not fully grasp our child was gone.  I could see my stomach and things just did not make sense to me. I was in disbelief,  how could this happen? When, did this happen?

As I tried gaining my composure so we could leave, my husband opened the door.  The moment I took a step outside our room I felt completely vulnerable.  There were other women there already.  They were smiling and talking.  (Just as I had been just a few minutes ago).  I saw one woman look at me at I quickly put my head down.  I wanted to run.  I did not want those looks of pity.  It felt as if everyone was looking at our family.  Instead of us being full of joy we we full of pain.  There was a silence we were projecting that others did not have, it was the silence that something had come to an end.

I quickly got into the car and just wanted to hide.  As we began to drive towards the hospital, I sent a text to our Pastors.  Informing them that we would not be attending the meeting because we were headed to the hospital.  I don't recall if I text what we were told, but I do recall my Pastor called me.  She prayed with me while we were in the car.  When I hung up with her, I sent a text to my sister as well.

I leaned my head back, touched my stomach as I always did and prayed to God with all I had.  I recall calling out to God and asking him to revive my baby as he had with Lazarus.  I found myself saying let it be done for you Glory.  But as I prayed, I heard a small still voice telling me, He knew what I was going through and that He would be with me every step of the way.  I knew at that point that my prayer needed to change. So I began to cry out for strength.

I sat there in silence the rest of the way, listening...Almost afraid to move, almost afraid to breath, definitively afraid to live. I listened as my oldest daughter, called her teacher to explain she could not attend the play she was scheduled to be in that night.  I listened as my husband took deep breaths while he tried desperately to keep it together (for all of us), and still manage to drive.  I listened as Matthew shifted his legs back and forth on his orange/grey car seat that we had planned to hold on to for the new baby.  (Matthew was just a few days short of 8 months old), I listened as Krystal tried hard not to ask questions, I listened to the cars and traffic around us.  I listened as my husband d received a call that my purse was found at the church we attended the previous night and that they would be holding it for me.  I wanted time to stop. I wanted time to end. But no such luck.  Time just kept passing.

I received numerous texts:  One from my best friend.  Others from friends and family.  Many with prayers. But I could not reply back.  I had no words.  I was at a complete loss.

As we pulled up to the very hospital where I gave birth to Matthew my whole outlook of it changed.  The last time I had been here was when I saw this baby for the first time. I had arrived happy and had given picture of the baby, Yet, here I was, just a few weeks later, at the same hospital but unfortunately it was not for the same reason.  The very place that we had rushed to a few months ago to birth life, now felt overwhelmingly  morbid.

Again I found it difficult to breathe, and to walk  towards the entrance. I felt my legs heavy.  I shielded my stomach once again (from the cold).  I called out to God again, and again and said to him "God, I am afraid", and in that moment I felt my husbands embrace.

"God never gives us more than we can handle."  I've heard these words spoken often, but I will admit that at this moment it felt like it was too much (honestly there are days when it still feels this way). How could I handle this?  How could I explain to people what happened? What explanation could I give as to why? How could I move on?  

I now understand there are truly no words to describe such a deep loss.  No words to explain how in the midst of something so horrible you WILL still live.  Although at that moment we may wish it all came to a stop. It simply doesn't.  I was in my own storm, and though the tides were high and I was being tossed from left to right.  In the center of it all, there was strength I did not know existed.  A peace that surpassed all understanding.  A knowing that I was truly not alone. As He had promised me, there He was, He was with me.  He would hold me through my storm as long as it took.