Exhaustion

December 2, 2012 (early Morning)

For a brief second when I regained concious, I thought to my self  "Am I alive?" "Where am I?" I faintly heard a beeping sound, and then i opened my eyes.  I saw the heart monitor, oxygen mask and my nurse, almost all at once.  She asked me how I was feeling.  I tried speaking and then realized my throat was sore (I suppose from the intubator).  After a couple times of attempting to talk I just nodded that I was ok.  The reality of why I was there came rushing over me again, but I was doing  was as best as I could under the cirmumstances. 

My nurse continued on taking my vitals; blood pressure, temperature, etc.  Once she was done she asked me "are you ok? (Ofcourse, not how could I be). Do you need anything?" and I whispered to her that I wanted to see my husband.  After a couple of minutes she walked out of the room and went to get him.

As my husband entered the room I could see the relief and love in his eyes.  He seemed as if the weight of theworld had just been lifted from his shoulders.  He bent down and layed his head on my lap.  I gestured with my hand for him to come closer to me and when he, I whispered to him "I'm not going anywhere buddy, you are stuck with me."  He grinned with eyes full of tears and held my hand. "Good" he said, over and over.  "I couldn't do this without you." and then I drifted off to sleep again as he reassured me that he would take care of me.

After about 20-30 minutes. I was taken back to my room, where immediately I asked for my baby again.  I still wanted to be near him as much as possible.  Shortly after, one of my nurses came in and took several picture of the the three of us (the baby, my husband and I).  During the course of the night and morning we signed alot of paperwork, but the last pieces we signed were to have our baby released to funeral home (which we had no idea who that would be yet).

We were also asked if we wanted the hospital to run genetic testing to see if they could determine what went wrong.  We knew it was beyond our understanding but we still were looking for a "reason."   Part of me thought, if he was sick then this will give me more peace.  My husband asked if the sex could be confirmed because we were initially told it was a girl then later a it was a boy. (During this time the doctors were guessing it was a boy, but were not certain). It would take a couple days to confirm the sex, but up tp10 days to get the genetic testing results.   After all this was completed  I managed to stay up a little longer with our baby before finally giving in to the exhaustion.

It had been quite the unexpected day, we went from starting that morning on such a happy and excited note and it had come down to all of this. Had someone told me I would live through this and not lose my mind or my faith in the midst, i would have called them crazy. Don't get me wrong I was a mess, I was broken, I was hurting, I was depressed, I was helpless, vulnerable, etc etc. But somehow someway God was leading me on. No it wasn't easy, but I had made it through the day. Not by my strength but by His.  There was alot I could not grasp nor understand (frankly I still don't) but I understood this much.  I was not alone.  I was exhausted and depleated but His Grace was indeed sufficient and His peace that just kept surrounding us was truly supernatural.

 

Glimpse

December 2, 2012 (No idea of the Approx time)

Just minutes after my doctor left the room and I had my major breakdown, my husband walked back over to the table where the bassinet and baby were placed.  As I watched my husband lean forward to take a look at our baby again, I suddenly felt my heart skip a beat, then another, then another.  Within seconds it started to become increasingly difficult to breathe and then nauseau came over me all over again.  I called my husband and said to him "I need the bucket" but as he made his way back to me he noticed and sensed there was something different. 

I was now holding on to my chest (same side as my heart) and I told him "I can't breathe."  I could hear myself trying to breathe and I could literally feel every beat of my heart pulsating throughout my entire body.  I began to feel as if I was "fading away" somewhere.  I was still unable to breathe, but instead of freaking out or gasping desperately for air I simply just felt an overwhelming peace.  I attempted to speak, but could not.  I attempted to sit up, but was unable to muster the energy. 

Things around me became blury, it was as if I was looking through a tube where only the center of my vision was clear but eveything else was distorted/blurred.  I could see my husband start rushing over to my bed all while calling out my name, louder and louder.  I could see myself lying there covered in blankets, my body slumping in further into the bed.  I could see the fear in my husband's eyes as he ran around my bed and then dash out into the hallway screaming out for help.  I could see the flood of doctors and nurses rush in to my room and hear them saying that my heart rate and blood pressure were both dropping and continuing to drop.  I could hear all the yelling, comotion, orders, etc but it was all in a sort of slow motion, an out of body experience.

I saw as my husbad paced back and forth as the doctors also began to call out my name.  I could see all the chaos around me, yet I wanted nothing more than to keep going and drifting into that peaceful place.  My husband at that moment came closer to me  (his eyes filled with so much anguish) and started speaking to me "Glo, stay here.... don't leave....Glo..... Glo....- Where is Matthew?, It's time to feed him, right?" At the mention of my son Matthew, something clicked inside and caused for me to refocus and no longer want to sink into "that" feeling, I almost felt as if I had stopped drifting off and then just lingered there.  The doctors suddenly put something over my nose to smell and caused me to sort of re-awaken, long enought to fully focus for a few seconds.

Everything was happening so fast, I began to feel the same feelings all over again, the doctors were wheeling me out of the room.  I was being taken to another room.  I wasn't sure what was happening but I knew they needed to "work on me." Doctors and nurses continued to call out my heart rate and others vital stats to each other, none of which made any sense to me.

I saw as the doctors scurry around in the room, I heard one of them call out that they were ready to intubate me.  Another was ready with anesthesia and yet another was informing me that they were going to surgically remove the placenta.  I felt when my head was lifted upright and felt the tube in my mouth inserted as they "intubated" me.  The anesthesiologist looked at me and said "you're going to be ok, I am putting you to sleep now."  I saw as he put the medication into my IV and my last thoughts were.."God, I don't know how, I don't know when..... but I will, count it all joy. I am yours God, my life is in your hands."

At that moment I had no idea what was happening or even if I would live or if I would die.  But,  I recognized fully and completely that at that moment I only relied  and trusted God.  I was ok with whatever His will for my life was.  I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset , nor in pain.  All I felt was peace.  It is the kind of peace that is described in the bible "the peace that surpasses all understanding." I hadn't done anything to earn it.  I hadn't said or acted in a specific way to achieve it, God simply gifted it to me.  Perhaps it was a glimpse for what is to come, perhaps it was to show me that Israel lives in complete peace, perhaps it was to get me to underststand all of this, or perhaps it was simply to give me strength and remind me of His love.  A glimpse of hope, a glimpse of rest, a glimpse of no more suffering, a glimpse of Him ......all in one glimpse even under the storm. 

 

Defeated?

Dec 2, 2012 2:00-3:30 A.M

After a few minutes the doctor asked me to push again.  Still no luck with the placenta.  They had been trying for a few minutes to no avail. The doctor was going to attempt to pull it down herself.  (YES, THIS SECTION CONTAINS SOME GRAPHIC CONTENT).  Several times she tried with her hand, each with a few minutes of waiting in between.  The bleeding continued.  Over and over they had to change the padding on my bed.  Pastor Yeze left around this time, but told us that if we needed her to come back we could just call her again. 

I held our son in between moments.  Our nurse brought in a tiny little white bassinet (possibly made for a doll) where we placed him in.  When we placed him in the bassinet,  he seemed to disappear in it.  He was still wrapped in his little yellow blanket (which was a smaill hand towel) I imagined he was going to be bigger, but he was so so small.   He was next to me for most of the time, but was removed from my bedside each time the doctor or the nurses attempted to pull down the placenta. At some point they layed down a bag of ice underneath the cloth mattress of his bassinet. He still looked beautiful to me, despite that he had slowly changed from a pink color to a purpleish/blueish hue. Through my eyes he was nothing more than magnificent.

With each attempt things just became more and more painful and more and more physically traumatizing.  After almost an hour the Doctor then decided to try pulling the placenta with forceps.  First attempt, no luck.  My mind was all over the place, I kept crying out to God, "How much more Lord, How much more?"

The doctor tried once again with the forceps and I could hear myself screaming out in pain.  My husband held on to my left hannd.  But atlast, I has reached a state of TOTAL brokeness and I began to cry out, "no more, no more."  I looked at my husband and said, I can't do this anymore, no more, no more.  At the same instant my doctor seemed emotional as well and she shook her head and said to the nurses "That's enough, that's enought she has been through enough."  She took the forceps out, took her gloves off, threw them down and approached me.  My legs were then gently put down by the nurses, my pad changed yet again and blankets put over me.  I have been through several medical procedures (appendicitis, broken jaw, ear surgeries, 3 births), but this took the cake. Never once have I resisted doctors, never once had I felt I had reached my limit, UNTIL NOW...

She said to us, "we have to get the placenta out, you are bleeding alot and we have to stop it, we have no choice but to take you into surgery"  my husband and I agreed.  I was still shaking from their last attempt.  The doctor apologized and said they would go and prepare the surgical room.  She looked at me and said "I know you have gone through alot, so we want to take care of this as soon as possible, I am going to put in the order and I will be back in 30 minutes."

As she walked away, I found myself sobbing on my husbands chest.  I felt I had no more.  In that moment I was defeated, I had nothing left! My husband said to me "It's going to be ok, baby" but I wasn't sure it would be. 


There comes a time where each of us have felt defeated.  Where we have felt we were better off giving up.  I found myself in a state of total brokenness and complete helplessness.  Physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Within me there was no more to give no more take at that very moment.  I wanted to just fade away.  Stop feeling, stop hurting, stop wanting.  I wanted nothing more than just everything to stop.  Perhaps in all of this, I was asking my daddy to take me home.  Perhaps grief and death had gotten the best of me, but it was only for a moment...


But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2nd Corinthians 12:9

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Dec 2, 2012- Approximate 1:30-2:00 AM

The bleeding continued on, but thankfully the time came for me to push.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  I knew it was time.  Before I pushed, the tears welled up and ran down my face.  My husband thought I was in physical pain, the nurse said "we know it hurts hunny, just push once."   Yes she was right, it did hurt but it wasn't the physical pain that caused me to cry.  It was the emotional pain that tore at me, knowing this was the LAST  moment I would have my child knitted within me.  It was time to let go, after this push my child would no longer be "with" me. 

I felt when I delivered and immediately the nurse scooped him up and wrapped him in a small light yellow hand towel.  She cut the umbilical cord and tried putting a clip on, but realized the clip was too large so she did away with it. She then handed him over to my husband.  My husband then brough him close to me where I finally got to hold him.  He was no bigger than the palm of my hand, light as as a bird.  So tiny, so fragile yet so beautiful, yet so wonderful.  Every finger was visible.  His arms his legs, his knees, mouth, nose eyes, and tiny little ears, and his tiny little feet.  I was overwhelmed of how intricately God had formed him and how complexed we are all designed.  How amazing yet how fragile life is.  Immediately, I thought of the scripture Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I held him close to me for a few minutes caressed his hands and legs and his head. My finger tip carefully tracing his entire body.  Afterwards my husbad held him again.  I recall my husband speaking to him "mamma warmed you up"  "baby, we are going to miss you" 

The nurse asked me to push again so that I would push the placenta, but no luck.  We would wait a few minutes and try again. 

Pastor Yeze also held our little one.  We would get to spend the rest of the night with him.  I was exhausted but I wanted to stay awake as long as possible, because I knew I would never be able to get this time back. 

This is one of those moments that will forever be carved in my memory and in my heart.  As I recall the instant when I delivered and held him in my left palm it seems like yesterday that all this took place, yet it has been over 10 months. 

How raw and fresh the pain comes alive when we relive moments filled with despair, agony, and helplessness.  Yet, amidst the pain something happens: life continues.  You breathe, you sleep, you survive.  For me the grieving process continues, day by day.  There are good days and not so good days, but life continues.   Yes, there IS pain, yes there IS a loss, but there IS also a peace that comes from God and God alone that helps you in your deepest valleys and your roughtest storms.  By His Grace I have survived this, by His Grace I stand in faith, By His Grace I live.