For a brief second when I regained concious, I thought to my self "Am I alive?" "Where am I?" I faintly heard a beeping sound, and then i opened my eyes. I saw the heart monitor, oxygen mask and my nurse, almost all at once. She asked me how I was feeling. I tried speaking and then realized my throat was sore (I suppose from the intubator). After a couple times of attempting to talk I just nodded that I was ok. The reality of why I was there came rushing over me again, but I was doing was as best as I could under the cirmumstances.
My nurse continued on taking my vitals; blood pressure, temperature, etc. Once she was done she asked me "are you ok? (Ofcourse, not how could I be). Do you need anything?" and I whispered to her that I wanted to see my husband. After a couple of minutes she walked out of the room and went to get him.
As my husband entered the room I could see the relief and love in his eyes. He seemed as if the weight of theworld had just been lifted from his shoulders. He bent down and layed his head on my lap. I gestured with my hand for him to come closer to me and when he, I whispered to him "I'm not going anywhere buddy, you are stuck with me." He grinned with eyes full of tears and held my hand. "Good" he said, over and over. "I couldn't do this without you." and then I drifted off to sleep again as he reassured me that he would take care of me.
After about 20-30 minutes. I was taken back to my room, where immediately I asked for my baby again. I still wanted to be near him as much as possible. Shortly after, one of my nurses came in and took several picture of the the three of us (the baby, my husband and I). During the course of the night and morning we signed alot of paperwork, but the last pieces we signed were to have our baby released to funeral home (which we had no idea who that would be yet).
We were also asked if we wanted the hospital to run genetic testing to see if they could determine what went wrong. We knew it was beyond our understanding but we still were looking for a "reason." Part of me thought, if he was sick then this will give me more peace. My husband asked if the sex could be confirmed because we were initially told it was a girl then later a it was a boy. (During this time the doctors were guessing it was a boy, but were not certain). It would take a couple days to confirm the sex, but up tp10 days to get the genetic testing results. After all this was completed I managed to stay up a little longer with our baby before finally giving in to the exhaustion.
It had been quite the unexpected day, we went from starting that morning on such a happy and excited note and it had come down to all of this. Had someone told me I would live through this and not lose my mind or my faith in the midst, i would have called them crazy. Don't get me wrong I was a mess, I was broken, I was hurting, I was depressed, I was helpless, vulnerable, etc etc. But somehow someway God was leading me on. No it wasn't easy, but I had made it through the day. Not by my strength but by His. There was alot I could not grasp nor understand (frankly I still don't) but I understood this much. I was not alone. I was exhausted and depleated but His Grace was indeed sufficient and His peace that just kept surrounding us was truly supernatural.
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