As the 1st week of October was coming to an end, my daughter (the oldest) and I begin looking around for costume ideas for her and Matthew. We come across Batman and Robin baby costumes and we can't help to say in unison "Aweeeee, they are SO cute!!" I tell my daughter "By this time next year if we have another boy, we will dress Matthew and the new baby as Batman and Robin." We both start laughing out loud, (I know be are both picturing this in our heads, yep this was going to be fun). We walk out of the store talking about different ideas.
October is a busy month for us, our Youth Fall Outreach event (The Maze of Rage), was coming up at the end of the month. This year we were extending the usual 2 day event to 5 days! Now, THAT was going to be a challenge in itself. My husband and I were already discussing among ourselves that by this time next year we would not be able to take charge of this event (with an 18 month old and a 5 month old, that would be putting too much stress on us). My husband was already taking precautions and taking video's of "The Making of Rage"
I also can't help but to think during this time LAST year, I had already been hospitalized 4 times for dehydration with my previous pregnancy (I still could not believe, I had yet to be have my arm poked and pricked for an I.V) thank God this has not happened. I continue to get sick every morning, its like clockwork, but I can do this. It will definitely be worth it. I begin to mention a few baby names outloud, but by husband and I of course don't agree on ANY of them. This is going to be tougher than I thought.
October 22, 2013 - Another visit to the doctors. I am told I am gaining weight. Doctor listens to my baby's heartbeat and he says "sounds perfect." The doctor checks my chart and asks once again how I am doing with my morning sickness and if I need a refill for my medicine. I respond that I have only had to use them on a few occasions this time around, so no need for a new prescription. He then tells me that I am now due for my 1st trimester exams and gives me the paperwork needed to go to Loyola. I know this means I will get to see my baby again soon. He then looks at my chart and says the results of your ultrasound on the 5th came back, looks like you are due on May 15th. In my head, I wonder why he is telling me the 15th when I clearly saw and read on the screen May 10th. Well it didn't really matter to me much, my baby was due that week and that's all I need to know. Besides none of my kids were born on their "due dates"
We finish the month with another successful year of RAGE. My belly is growing and I am already having to wear maternity clothes. I make a joke with Matthew's nanny. That by the time this baby comes around she will have known me in "prego" status longer than "non-prego" status. We both laugh.
By the shape my stomach is growing, my husband says. "Yep, YOU are having another boy" which I truly struggle to believe because I just feel different. The family is split. Two of us think it's a girl the other two think it's a boy. We'll see who is right.
I realize there are times when all we really need to do is allow God to be God. Year after year I see the faces of those who visit our event and who are ministered to. I wonder do people realize that I am ministered to as well? Every time, I replay the scene where Jesus is crucified for us, I am overwhelmed to know that He loves us that much. To know that he WILLINGLY gave up his life for us when we truly don't deserve it, is mind boggling. No matter what our past has been like or what bad choices we have made or are yet to do, His love for us does not run out.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Seeing you for the First Time
October 5, 2012 - Can't wait to leave work, my ultrasound appointment is at 5:30 pm. Finally, we will know when our baby is due to arrive. I am looking forward to seeing him/her for the first time.
I arrive to my appointment a few minutes early. I check in the from desk and they ask me if I drank plenty of water. "YES I did", I tell the woman at the desk. (I feel like my bladder is going to explode, but those are the small sacrifices a woman will do for her child). After a few minutes I get called in.
As I am laying on the bed getting ready to see my baby for the first time, I can't help but smile. I know its way too early to know if its a boy or a girl. I think I must be having a girl, I don't feel anything like I did with Matthew. The technician puts that slimy liquid on my stomach and then puts the ultrasound transducer on my stomach (I only recently learned that's what it called). The first image of my baby pops up on the screen.
"Awe, there's my baby. My little peanut." I watch my baby move around floating around in my womb. I see the heart pulsating and I just stare in awe. There is my baby, tiny as can be, but yet I can see so much of him/her. God never ceases to amaze me, how all this can work.
The technician begins to measure and then she lets me hear the heart....ah yes, there it is, the sound of ponies galloping again....I ask her if she can tell me when I am due but she explains that my doctor will have to give me that date, but she winks at me and then points to the screen. I see a date of 05/10/2013 displayed on the screen and I smile at her. I say OK, thank you. She says you're welcome and winks a second time.
She then looks at me and says do you have other children? I explain to her that I do, as a matter a fact I have 3 others. She says, Oh by the way you are smiling I thought it was your first. I tell her that I just simply can't help it, it happens every time I see my babies.
After she is done, I ask her. "Can you do me a favor, can you print me a picture? I would like to show my husband." She says, "I don't have a printer but I will save them on disk for you instead".
I leave the hospital close to 6:15 PM, I am meeting my husband at church for youth night. I hold the disk containing our baby's pictures close to my heart. (31 Weeks to go, I make sure to change the due date on my "expecting" phone app). From this day on, every Friday my phone gives me a reminder how many weeks I am , and milestones for baby)
Baby Plaza (Measuring 9 weeks old on 10/05/2012)
That night before we go to bed I share the two pictures above with my husband. He sees them and says..."There's my little peanut" I tell him, that's I what called the baby earlier too"my little peanut"...
It is simply amazing to me how God has designed us. How can this baby that is so small and whom I haven't even met yet, bring so much joy. Just a tiny little being yet perfectly designed by God himself. If we can love someone this deep (without knowing them still) , how much more can God's love be for each of us? I find myself humbled yet again, how God can look down at each of His children and know each one of us to our very core (the good and the bad) and still love us much more than we can comprehend or deserve.
I arrive to my appointment a few minutes early. I check in the from desk and they ask me if I drank plenty of water. "YES I did", I tell the woman at the desk. (I feel like my bladder is going to explode, but those are the small sacrifices a woman will do for her child). After a few minutes I get called in.
As I am laying on the bed getting ready to see my baby for the first time, I can't help but smile. I know its way too early to know if its a boy or a girl. I think I must be having a girl, I don't feel anything like I did with Matthew. The technician puts that slimy liquid on my stomach and then puts the ultrasound transducer on my stomach (I only recently learned that's what it called). The first image of my baby pops up on the screen.
"Awe, there's my baby. My little peanut." I watch my baby move around floating around in my womb. I see the heart pulsating and I just stare in awe. There is my baby, tiny as can be, but yet I can see so much of him/her. God never ceases to amaze me, how all this can work.
The technician begins to measure and then she lets me hear the heart....ah yes, there it is, the sound of ponies galloping again....I ask her if she can tell me when I am due but she explains that my doctor will have to give me that date, but she winks at me and then points to the screen. I see a date of 05/10/2013 displayed on the screen and I smile at her. I say OK, thank you. She says you're welcome and winks a second time.
She then looks at me and says do you have other children? I explain to her that I do, as a matter a fact I have 3 others. She says, Oh by the way you are smiling I thought it was your first. I tell her that I just simply can't help it, it happens every time I see my babies.
After she is done, I ask her. "Can you do me a favor, can you print me a picture? I would like to show my husband." She says, "I don't have a printer but I will save them on disk for you instead".
I leave the hospital close to 6:15 PM, I am meeting my husband at church for youth night. I hold the disk containing our baby's pictures close to my heart. (31 Weeks to go, I make sure to change the due date on my "expecting" phone app). From this day on, every Friday my phone gives me a reminder how many weeks I am , and milestones for baby)
Baby Plaza (Measuring 9 weeks old on 10/05/2012)
That night before we go to bed I share the two pictures above with my husband. He sees them and says..."There's my little peanut" I tell him, that's I what called the baby earlier too"my little peanut"...
It is simply amazing to me how God has designed us. How can this baby that is so small and whom I haven't even met yet, bring so much joy. Just a tiny little being yet perfectly designed by God himself. If we can love someone this deep (without knowing them still) , how much more can God's love be for each of us? I find myself humbled yet again, how God can look down at each of His children and know each one of us to our very core (the good and the bad) and still love us much more than we can comprehend or deserve.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Time to see the Doctor
Next few days, I kept waiting for THAT dreadful morning sickness (which in my case, its ALL DAY sickness), but it hadn't made its appearance, YET. I felt small waves of nausea but nothing compared to what I experienced with my last child. Phew, what a relief!
September 18, 2012 - I had my first doctor's appointment. They confirmed the pregnancy again, for my medical records. They walked me through a serious of booklets and pamphlets, (Which I read, 1 year before with Matthew's pregnancy), gave me some prenatal vitamins and baby samples.
During the 3rd week of September, morning sickness begins to hit. Nevertheless, it's not bad at all. I get "sick" every morning and only some of the "evenings" but other than that I can eat throughout the day. (Why is this a big deal? because for all my other kids I ALWAYS ended up in the hospital with dehydration from not being able to eat AT ALL).
September 25, 2012 - 2nd appointment. Doctor cannot determine my due date, based on what I can recall she thinks it may be May 5, 2013 but its too uncertain. She instructs me to get an ultrasound to determine how far I am. She then puts the Doppler on my stomach and I hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time. It sounds like little ponies galloping, it makes me smile, my own heart skips a beat and I fall in love all over again. (Hearing the rhythm of the heartbeat of my children, has always been my favorite part of each of my pregnancies). She tells me "everything sounds and looks great" She prescribes Zofran just in case the morning sickness worsens. She apparently wants to make sure I am armored with medication ahead of time, since she is the same doctor that treated me the last time. I leave from the doctor's visit a happy camper.
Sure enough morning sickness does get worse in the next following days and weeks, but I can still handle this. I take an occasional pill if I REALLY need it, but in most cases I am good without the meds. I recall one particular day, I was sick all day, the next morning it hit me pretty hard again and when my husband heard me he felt pretty bad. Later that day, he sends me a txt photo of Matthew saying "hang in there mom, it's worth it, I love you." I remember looking at that picture of my son and thinking "Absolutely."
During this time, all those who know how sick I can get where checking up on me. In each case I told them, It's not too bad this time. I recall A LOT of the women at church would send me messages, txt me, or tell me they were praying that I would not have a repeat of my usual "all day sickness."
I did the same, i prayed everyday, please God don't allow THAT sickness to plague me this time. And it never did, not the way it typically did. I was so grateful for it. At times I would tell my baby "You are such a good baby." (I realize that doesn't make any sense why I would say that, and NO, I never meant that my other kids were bad). I just recall thinking that.
Soon I would get to meet him/her, my ultrasound was scheduled. Looking forward to it :)
I recall reading a friends FB post. "God's plans are greater than my plans." I was thankful that God knew what was best for me and my family, and while we did not plan this, things would be fine. Our newest addition was sure to bring us joy, laughter and chaos, just like the others. I realized God was under control (I've known this all along, but I guess we tend to forget way too often). I wanted nothing else than to be on His plan, after all it was already looking like a much better plan. I was looking forward to having 1 year apart twins (2 babies in a little over a year).
September 18, 2012 - I had my first doctor's appointment. They confirmed the pregnancy again, for my medical records. They walked me through a serious of booklets and pamphlets, (Which I read, 1 year before with Matthew's pregnancy), gave me some prenatal vitamins and baby samples.
During the 3rd week of September, morning sickness begins to hit. Nevertheless, it's not bad at all. I get "sick" every morning and only some of the "evenings" but other than that I can eat throughout the day. (Why is this a big deal? because for all my other kids I ALWAYS ended up in the hospital with dehydration from not being able to eat AT ALL).
September 25, 2012 - 2nd appointment. Doctor cannot determine my due date, based on what I can recall she thinks it may be May 5, 2013 but its too uncertain. She instructs me to get an ultrasound to determine how far I am. She then puts the Doppler on my stomach and I hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time. It sounds like little ponies galloping, it makes me smile, my own heart skips a beat and I fall in love all over again. (Hearing the rhythm of the heartbeat of my children, has always been my favorite part of each of my pregnancies). She tells me "everything sounds and looks great" She prescribes Zofran just in case the morning sickness worsens. She apparently wants to make sure I am armored with medication ahead of time, since she is the same doctor that treated me the last time. I leave from the doctor's visit a happy camper.
Sure enough morning sickness does get worse in the next following days and weeks, but I can still handle this. I take an occasional pill if I REALLY need it, but in most cases I am good without the meds. I recall one particular day, I was sick all day, the next morning it hit me pretty hard again and when my husband heard me he felt pretty bad. Later that day, he sends me a txt photo of Matthew saying "hang in there mom, it's worth it, I love you." I remember looking at that picture of my son and thinking "Absolutely."
During this time, all those who know how sick I can get where checking up on me. In each case I told them, It's not too bad this time. I recall A LOT of the women at church would send me messages, txt me, or tell me they were praying that I would not have a repeat of my usual "all day sickness."
I did the same, i prayed everyday, please God don't allow THAT sickness to plague me this time. And it never did, not the way it typically did. I was so grateful for it. At times I would tell my baby "You are such a good baby." (I realize that doesn't make any sense why I would say that, and NO, I never meant that my other kids were bad). I just recall thinking that.
Soon I would get to meet him/her, my ultrasound was scheduled. Looking forward to it :)
I recall reading a friends FB post. "God's plans are greater than my plans." I was thankful that God knew what was best for me and my family, and while we did not plan this, things would be fine. Our newest addition was sure to bring us joy, laughter and chaos, just like the others. I realized God was under control (I've known this all along, but I guess we tend to forget way too often). I wanted nothing else than to be on His plan, after all it was already looking like a much better plan. I was looking forward to having 1 year apart twins (2 babies in a little over a year).
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Our journey begins
First few days, I was still in bit of shock but I kept reminding myself that God would provide.
Sept 7, 2012 - We had a pastoral meeting at a hotel over the weekend. My husband and I decided we would let our kids know first. The conversation was priceless....While in the hotel room, we cal the girls in to the bedroom portion of the suite. This is the parts of the conversation I recall.
Husband: "Hey your mother has something to tell you guys."
Daughter (14 yrs old): "What, she's not pregnant again, is she?".....(then silence falls in the room)
Husband: "Actually yeah" (My husband and I look at each other and smile)
Daughter: "nooooo!" (I think she is in denial- she turns to me and I nod)
Daughter: "nooooo! (Yep she is in denial too). She is giggling now and moving her arms around
Daughter: "For real?, no! Dad is just kidding right?"
Me: "I'm serious, yes I am." (She begins laughing hysterically and comes over and hugs me tight).
All the while this is going on my 9 year old is looking from one person to the other and the minute I say the last sentence she slaps her forehead and lets herself fall on the bed. My husband says "Wow, I can't believe you didn't believe me, it took your mother to convince you guys".
September 8, 2012- During our morning session with the rest of the Pastors we break the news to them. We pray for the new baby on the way. I am feeling better already, I can't believe this is happening so quick, but even though I am scared I am also excited.
Sometime during that week I call my BFF and tell her the news, she knows I'm scared. But she is excited for my family. Makes me feel better, (even though we are texting I can see her smiling from ear to ear). She reassures me God will provide a way.
During this time God reminds me of something I said to Him just a few weeks ago. I told God during a Sunday service, "God I surrender everything to you, do with me as you will". I could almost hear saying to me then, "how much have you really surrendered?"
Sept 7, 2012 - We had a pastoral meeting at a hotel over the weekend. My husband and I decided we would let our kids know first. The conversation was priceless....While in the hotel room, we cal the girls in to the bedroom portion of the suite. This is the parts of the conversation I recall.
Husband: "Hey your mother has something to tell you guys."
Daughter (14 yrs old): "What, she's not pregnant again, is she?".....(then silence falls in the room)
Husband: "Actually yeah" (My husband and I look at each other and smile)
Daughter: "nooooo!" (I think she is in denial- she turns to me and I nod)
Daughter: "nooooo! (Yep she is in denial too). She is giggling now and moving her arms around
Daughter: "For real?, no! Dad is just kidding right?"
Me: "I'm serious, yes I am." (She begins laughing hysterically and comes over and hugs me tight).
All the while this is going on my 9 year old is looking from one person to the other and the minute I say the last sentence she slaps her forehead and lets herself fall on the bed. My husband says "Wow, I can't believe you didn't believe me, it took your mother to convince you guys".
September 8, 2012- During our morning session with the rest of the Pastors we break the news to them. We pray for the new baby on the way. I am feeling better already, I can't believe this is happening so quick, but even though I am scared I am also excited.
Sometime during that week I call my BFF and tell her the news, she knows I'm scared. But she is excited for my family. Makes me feel better, (even though we are texting I can see her smiling from ear to ear). She reassures me God will provide a way.
During this time God reminds me of something I said to Him just a few weeks ago. I told God during a Sunday service, "God I surrender everything to you, do with me as you will". I could almost hear saying to me then, "how much have you really surrendered?"
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Beginning
Matthew was about 3 1/2 months old when I began suspecting I might be pregnant again. At first I thought "Nope, can't be!" The doctor warned me my menstruation might be a little off, (due to the breast-feeding and the recent birth of my son). But in between planning for our youth camp which was just a couple days away (Aug 29-31), working full time, tending to an infant and trying to keep up with our home, I just figured it was stress. So I just pushed it out my head.
September 3, 2012 - I was going crazy trying to figure out when my last period was. Yes, I forgot. I know some people may say how could you not know. But that's what happened I swore it was sometime the last week of July but I wasn't sure.Or was it early August? I was totally lost, I didn't know what to think or do, and I could not stay in doubt another day.
So, I finally go to Walmart an buy a 3-pack pregnancy test. (I've heard sometimes those test could be faulty so better safe, than sorry). Anyways, there I am in the bathroom late that evening, waiting to see what the test says, and BOOM it says positive!!! Honestly, I freaked out. I thought "it can't be, the test is wrong!" So I shove it to the bottom of my garbage can and didn't speak a word of it to anyone.
September 4, 2012 - I wake up and first thing I do, I take test #2, tick-tock, tick tock, again positive. All day I am thinking about this. OMG, I am pregnant again! In the evening I take last and final test #3. (I know the results already, but I think I am still trying to convince myself). YEP it's positive. I walk into the bedroom, where my husband is holding (our almost 4 month old) baby and I show him the pregnancy test. He looks at me and says "What is that suppose to mean?" and I lose it.
I say things like "By the 4th child and you don't know what this means". He is smiling from ear to ear while I am almost hyperventilating, crying, partially screaming (yep totally freaking out-ME , cool,calm and collective Glo). I say other things like... "This was not part of the plan" "We can't afford another baby" "How are we suppose to do youth ministry" "How am I suppose to fit another baby in my car" "What about Matthew, this is not fair to him?"...and on and on...and on.
My poor husband looks confused...doesn't know what to say, how to act or what to do. As a matter a fact he just sits perfectly still (if you knew him, you would think that's impossible, but he did). I think he was afraid of me..LOL. Now that I look back I see how silly I reacted, but I can't change what happened.
BAM! Suddenly as I am freaking out, my own teaching from this very past weekend comes to mind...I remember telling our youth "If you are rooted in God, no matter what comes your way, you might be shaken, the winds might come hard at you, but you will not be moved. You just have to give it all to God and trust in Him." .... Talk about practicing what you preach!! I walk away from the room feeling overwhelmed. God help me trust in you, I call out.
September 3, 2012 - I was going crazy trying to figure out when my last period was. Yes, I forgot. I know some people may say how could you not know. But that's what happened I swore it was sometime the last week of July but I wasn't sure.Or was it early August? I was totally lost, I didn't know what to think or do, and I could not stay in doubt another day.
So, I finally go to Walmart an buy a 3-pack pregnancy test. (I've heard sometimes those test could be faulty so better safe, than sorry). Anyways, there I am in the bathroom late that evening, waiting to see what the test says, and BOOM it says positive!!! Honestly, I freaked out. I thought "it can't be, the test is wrong!" So I shove it to the bottom of my garbage can and didn't speak a word of it to anyone.
September 4, 2012 - I wake up and first thing I do, I take test #2, tick-tock, tick tock, again positive. All day I am thinking about this. OMG, I am pregnant again! In the evening I take last and final test #3. (I know the results already, but I think I am still trying to convince myself). YEP it's positive. I walk into the bedroom, where my husband is holding (our almost 4 month old) baby and I show him the pregnancy test. He looks at me and says "What is that suppose to mean?" and I lose it.
I say things like "By the 4th child and you don't know what this means". He is smiling from ear to ear while I am almost hyperventilating, crying, partially screaming (yep totally freaking out-ME , cool,calm and collective Glo). I say other things like... "This was not part of the plan" "We can't afford another baby" "How are we suppose to do youth ministry" "How am I suppose to fit another baby in my car" "What about Matthew, this is not fair to him?"...and on and on...and on.
My poor husband looks confused...doesn't know what to say, how to act or what to do. As a matter a fact he just sits perfectly still (if you knew him, you would think that's impossible, but he did). I think he was afraid of me..LOL. Now that I look back I see how silly I reacted, but I can't change what happened.
BAM! Suddenly as I am freaking out, my own teaching from this very past weekend comes to mind...I remember telling our youth "If you are rooted in God, no matter what comes your way, you might be shaken, the winds might come hard at you, but you will not be moved. You just have to give it all to God and trust in Him." .... Talk about practicing what you preach!! I walk away from the room feeling overwhelmed. God help me trust in you, I call out.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Why?
Where do I start?
Well, Never thought I would ever start a blog. But after a friend of mine recommended it, I thought OK, I will give this a shot. I don't really know how all this will end, BUT here goes nothing...
First of all, I thank you God for Your Grace and Mercy and Your renewed strength, peace and love...I would not be where I am today, if it wasn't for you. And though my heart is broken I trust in you COMPLETELY. For I know you have already given me the victory. I know that while my son (Israel Mark Plaza) is not with me today, I will someday be reunited with him.
So why am I doing this? I suppose it's for three main reasons..
1. I don't want to forget the details; for the memories and HOPE is what I have left for now.
2. I am hoping this will help me in my own healing process.
3. If anyone finds themselves in my shoes, I pray it helps us both.
Well, Never thought I would ever start a blog. But after a friend of mine recommended it, I thought OK, I will give this a shot. I don't really know how all this will end, BUT here goes nothing...
First of all, I thank you God for Your Grace and Mercy and Your renewed strength, peace and love...I would not be where I am today, if it wasn't for you. And though my heart is broken I trust in you COMPLETELY. For I know you have already given me the victory. I know that while my son (Israel Mark Plaza) is not with me today, I will someday be reunited with him.
So why am I doing this? I suppose it's for three main reasons..
1. I don't want to forget the details; for the memories and HOPE is what I have left for now.
2. I am hoping this will help me in my own healing process.
3. If anyone finds themselves in my shoes, I pray it helps us both.
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