December 1, 2012 (aftenoon(ish))- I stalled the Ultrasound technician as long as I could, but as I was quickly learning, things were out of my control. One last time I saw the old familiar transducer and monitor. One more time the slimy liquid was spread across my stomach. Before the technician placed thetransducer down, she asked me "Do you want me to turn the screen away from you? Some people prefer not to look." Immediately, I responded "No, I want to see everything" She held my hand briefly and said she would "if at anytime it becomes too much you let me know, I will walk you through what I am doing and seeing."
As the image appeared on the screen it was very quiet in the room. For a moment it became hard to breathe again, as I looked at the "stillness" of my baby. After a momet she broke the silence. She began to explain to me that when a baby dies in the womb after a while, the outer layer of protection begins to wither away. As this begins to happen a sort of "halo" or "crown" develops around the baby. As she said this to me she pointed at the screen and drew around the head with her finger. There it was, my baby had already gained his "halo." I believe I uttered "awe."
The technician then showed me where the heart, the lungs, the legs and arms resided. As she did this she took measurements. The more she showed me the more I knew I wanted and needed to hold my baby angel. She explained that based on the measurements it appeared the baby had been gone for close to 3 weeks. All I kept thinking when I heard this was "how could I not know?"
My husbad did end up seeing part of the ultrasound (or most, from what I can recall). My focus was to take in as much as I could at the moment, I knew this time was precious. I took one long last look at my baby angel and imprinted it in my memory before she removed the transducer from my stomach.
Unfortunately, I did not think of asking for a picture of this. I now wish I had.
Some people may wonder if it really did look like a halo? Sure it did, not in the way we see it in cartoons or movies, but there was a beautiful glow all around the head. It was quite remarkable, the way it became part of the silhouette. Others may argue that this is not a halo, and that what happens as a result of a medical reason, I am making it more than what it really is. For me, it simply means that my Daddy (God) has taken care of every detail. He had reassured me that my baby was already in heaven and had already received his crown (halo). While it was painful to see the stillness in my womb, I also recognized that we had indeed gained our own personal baby angel.
