So here I am, one year later from the day I last saw my son. It has been a difficult year. Some days have been harder than others but there have also been days of laughter and joy. Still miss my son, I don't think that will end until I hold him again.
Along this journey I have learned that the loss of a child and the grief that comes with that comes in waves. There have been days or occasions where out of nowhere the emotions have been so raw and my heart has been crushed all over again. BUT there have also been days when I have remembered Israel and the thought of him being in a better place than those of us still here, brings me joy.
I have also learned that God's love and comfort is really like no other. There have been moments where my mind and my heart have been so conflicted, and yet God (or as I like to refer to him) "Daddy" has loved me unconditionally. I remember asking Him one year ago, not "Why" but "How" I was suppose to go on. His answes was simple, "With Me." The truth is that this journey has been everything but simple.
I have learned that there is no 10 or 12 step process for healing, no "take two of these and you will feel better in the morning" medication. There isn't a one size fits all mold for feeling better. Rather each person will deal with grief in his/her own way. It is a process that cannot be rushed. It is a hurt that you simply can't "get over it." It is a journey of aches and pains deep in the heart that cannot be described nor mended with words. It is a soul searching journey, at times even a battle within ones own mind. But it is also a journey of resiliency, strength and tenacity.
For me, I have been truly blessed. I have had the support of my husband and my children who have listened, who have held me, who have cried with me, who have laughed with me, and who have prayed for me. I have had the support of my best friend who has continously encouraged me and sent me monthly messages. I have had the support of other family members and close friends who have allowed me the time to grieve but have also given me the time to remember the life of my son. Most importantly I have had "Daddy", to comfort me, to help me, and to restore me a little more each day.
So for those of you that are wondering how I am doing today, I am doing better than I expected. Does it still hurt? Ofcourse. Do I still miss my little boy? Terribly. Does it get easier? Yes, but a part of you is never the same How have I done it? By the Grace of God
But as Pastor Larry said this weekend, there is a bigger picture to look at. I know I WILL see my son again, it is just a matter of time (and no, I'm not in a rush to get there). For now I will keep moving forward on the journey He set me on. There have been lots of hurts and loses along this life, but there have also been wins.
So today while it is difficult, I choose to celebrate the life of my son, Israel. I choose to think of him dancing and rejoicing before the presense of our Creator. I choose to remain grounded in Him. I choose to give Him all of me, over and over again.
See you later my little Prince, Momma loves you and misses you :) Lots of hugs and kisses.
(For those of you who have followed my blog thank you! I pray that this has helped you or spoken to you. No, this is NOT my last entry just wanted to do this post as a side bar as I am living it, not remembering it).
