The Beginning

Matthew was about 3 1/2 months old when I began suspecting I might be pregnant again. At first I thought "Nope, can't be!"  The doctor warned me my menstruation might be a little off, (due to the breast-feeding and the recent birth of my son). But in between planning for our youth camp which was just a couple days away (Aug 29-31), working full time, tending to an infant and trying to keep up with our home,  I just figured it was stress. So I just pushed it out my head.

September 3, 2012 - I was going crazy trying to figure out when my last period was.  Yes, I forgot. I know some people may say how could you not know.  But that's what happened I swore it was sometime the last week of July but I wasn't sure.Or was it early August?  I was totally  lost, I didn't know what to think or do, and I could not stay in doubt another day.

So, I finally go to Walmart an buy a 3-pack pregnancy test.  (I've heard sometimes those test could be faulty so better safe, than sorry).  Anyways, there I am in the bathroom late that evening, waiting to see what the test says, and BOOM it says positive!!! Honestly, I freaked out.  I thought "it can't be, the test is wrong!"  So I shove it to the bottom of my garbage can and didn't speak a word of it to anyone.

September 4, 2012 - I wake up and first thing I do, I take test #2,  tick-tock, tick tock, again positive. All day I am thinking about this. OMG, I am pregnant again! In the evening I take last and final test #3.  (I know the results already, but I think I am still trying to convince myself).  YEP it's positive.  I walk into the bedroom, where my husband is holding (our almost 4 month old) baby and I show him the pregnancy test.  He looks at me and says "What is that suppose to mean?" and I lose it.

I say things like "By the 4th child and you don't know what this means".  He is smiling from ear to ear while I am almost hyperventilating, crying, partially screaming (yep totally freaking out-ME , cool,calm and collective Glo).  I say other things like... "This was not part of the plan" "We can't afford another baby"  "How are we suppose to do youth ministry" "How am I suppose to fit another baby in my car" "What about Matthew, this is not fair to him?"...and on and on...and on.

My poor husband looks confused...doesn't know what to say, how to act or what to do.  As a matter a fact he just sits perfectly still (if you knew him, you would think that's impossible, but he did). I think he was afraid of me..LOL.  Now that I look back I see how silly I reacted, but I can't change what happened.

BAM! Suddenly as I am freaking out, my own teaching from this very past weekend comes to mind...I remember telling our youth "If you are rooted in God, no matter what comes your way, you might be shaken, the winds might come hard at you, but you will not be moved. You just have to give it all to God and trust in Him." .... Talk about practicing what you preach!! I walk away from the room feeling overwhelmed.  God help me trust in you, I call out.