The bleeding continued on, but thankfully the time came for me to push. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew it was time. Before I pushed, the tears welled up and ran down my face. My husband thought I was in physical pain, the nurse said "we know it hurts hunny, just push once." Yes she was right, it did hurt but it wasn't the physical pain that caused me to cry. It was the emotional pain that tore at me, knowing this was the LAST moment I would have my child knitted within me. It was time to let go, after this push my child would no longer be "with" me.
I felt when I delivered and immediately the nurse scooped him up and wrapped him in a small light yellow hand towel. She cut the umbilical cord and tried putting a clip on, but realized the clip was too large so she did away with it. She then handed him over to my husband. My husband then brough him close to me where I finally got to hold him. He was no bigger than the palm of my hand, light as as a bird. So tiny, so fragile yet so beautiful, yet so wonderful. Every finger was visible. His arms his legs, his knees, mouth, nose eyes, and tiny little ears, and his tiny little feet. I was overwhelmed of how intricately God had formed him and how complexed we are all designed. How amazing yet how fragile life is. Immediately, I thought of the scripture Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I held him close to me for a few minutes caressed his hands and legs and his head. My finger tip carefully tracing his entire body. Afterwards my husbad held him again. I recall my husband speaking to him "mamma warmed you up" "baby, we are going to miss you"
The nurse asked me to push again so that I would push the placenta, but no luck. We would wait a few minutes and try again.
Pastor Yeze also held our little one. We would get to spend the rest of the night with him. I was exhausted but I wanted to stay awake as long as possible, because I knew I would never be able to get this time back.
This is one of those moments that will forever be carved in my memory and in my heart. As I recall the instant when I delivered and held him in my left palm it seems like yesterday that all this took place, yet it has been over 10 months.
How raw and fresh the pain comes alive when we relive moments filled with despair, agony, and helplessness. Yet, amidst the pain something happens: life continues. You breathe, you sleep, you survive. For me the grieving process continues, day by day. There are good days and not so good days, but life continues. Yes, there IS pain, yes there IS a loss, but there IS also a peace that comes from God and God alone that helps you in your deepest valleys and your roughtest storms. By His Grace I have survived this, by His Grace I stand in faith, By His Grace I live.
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