Just minutes after my doctor left the room and I had my major breakdown, my husband walked back over to the table where the bassinet and baby were placed. As I watched my husband lean forward to take a look at our baby again, I suddenly felt my heart skip a beat, then another, then another. Within seconds it started to become increasingly difficult to breathe and then nauseau came over me all over again. I called my husband and said to him "I need the bucket" but as he made his way back to me he noticed and sensed there was something different.
I was now holding on to my chest (same side as my heart) and I told him "I can't breathe." I could hear myself trying to breathe and I could literally feel every beat of my heart pulsating throughout my entire body. I began to feel as if I was "fading away" somewhere. I was still unable to breathe, but instead of freaking out or gasping desperately for air I simply just felt an overwhelming peace. I attempted to speak, but could not. I attempted to sit up, but was unable to muster the energy.
Things around me became blury, it was as if I was looking through a tube where only the center of my vision was clear but eveything else was distorted/blurred. I could see my husband start rushing over to my bed all while calling out my name, louder and louder. I could see myself lying there covered in blankets, my body slumping in further into the bed. I could see the fear in my husband's eyes as he ran around my bed and then dash out into the hallway screaming out for help. I could see the flood of doctors and nurses rush in to my room and hear them saying that my heart rate and blood pressure were both dropping and continuing to drop. I could hear all the yelling, comotion, orders, etc but it was all in a sort of slow motion, an out of body experience.
I saw as my husbad paced back and forth as the doctors also began to call out my name. I could see all the chaos around me, yet I wanted nothing more than to keep going and drifting into that peaceful place. My husband at that moment came closer to me (his eyes filled with so much anguish) and started speaking to me "Glo, stay here.... don't leave....Glo..... Glo....- Where is Matthew?, It's time to feed him, right?" At the mention of my son Matthew, something clicked inside and caused for me to refocus and no longer want to sink into "that" feeling, I almost felt as if I had stopped drifting off and then just lingered there. The doctors suddenly put something over my nose to smell and caused me to sort of re-awaken, long enought to fully focus for a few seconds.
Everything was happening so fast, I began to feel the same feelings all over again, the doctors were wheeling me out of the room. I was being taken to another room. I wasn't sure what was happening but I knew they needed to "work on me." Doctors and nurses continued to call out my heart rate and others vital stats to each other, none of which made any sense to me.
I saw as the doctors scurry around in the room, I heard one of them call out that they were ready to intubate me. Another was ready with anesthesia and yet another was informing me that they were going to surgically remove the placenta. I felt when my head was lifted upright and felt the tube in my mouth inserted as they "intubated" me. The anesthesiologist looked at me and said "you're going to be ok, I am putting you to sleep now." I saw as he put the medication into my IV and my last thoughts were.."God, I don't know how, I don't know when..... but I will, count it all joy. I am yours God, my life is in your hands."
At that moment I had no idea what was happening or even if I would live or if I would die. But, I recognized fully and completely that at that moment I only relied and trusted God. I was ok with whatever His will for my life was. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset , nor in pain. All I felt was peace. It is the kind of peace that is described in the bible "the peace that surpasses all understanding." I hadn't done anything to earn it. I hadn't said or acted in a specific way to achieve it, God simply gifted it to me. Perhaps it was a glimpse for what is to come, perhaps it was to show me that Israel lives in complete peace, perhaps it was to get me to underststand all of this, or perhaps it was simply to give me strength and remind me of His love. A glimpse of hope, a glimpse of rest, a glimpse of no more suffering, a glimpse of Him ......all in one glimpse even under the storm.
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